Spiritually Speaking ... Why Gay Men Lie

I don't know of any research that proves the notion that gay men lie any more than anyone else so let's consider briefly the reasons anyone might speak untruths. This requires some introspection.

1) People who lie to others tend to lie to themselves. If I am not honest with myself about one or more aspects of my life, you can rest assured that I'm not going to be honest with other people about that area or those areas.

2) Those who lie to others may lie about something in their lives about which they are embarrassed or uncomfortable. Someone who feels that he weighs either too little or too much will rarely tell another person his true weight. (Of course, the fact that online introductions and conversation has made dating more like picking out fresh produce than dealing with human beings has us marketing or promoting ourselves to potential "buyers" by revealing facts about ourselves that are really not the business of strangers.) An individual may have allowed himself to believe that he is not worth love because he was neglected or abused by one or both parents; he may attempt to compensate by telling others what wonderful parents he had/has knowing full well that this is false but being unable to revisit the pain of rejection by telling the truth.

3) There are those who lie because they find themselves in positions of sensing the need to share too much too soon. Intimacy (or pseudo-intimacy) can happen almost instantaneously in the modern world. As a prelude to a sexual encounter with a near-stranger, there can be the rapid-fire exchange of names, contact information, sexual preferences, and health reports. People who wouldn't, for a minute, lie in normal circumstances find themselves pressed to reveal personal information to someone they are not ever sure they will even see again so in a rush, in a pinch, they lie.

4) Some people lie because it's a game to them; it's fun for them to see how much nonsense another person will fall for before finally catching on to how high the piles of poop have actually gotten.

5) Some among us lie, sad to say, because they intend to hurt us. There is no other explanation for it. They speak a falsehood to us knowing that in believing them, we will be hurt in some way. Or, they withhold a vital piece of information that may even endanger someone's life; that, too, is lying.

LGBT persons have a hard enough go of it in most cultures that we want to think they could at least be there for each other, and yet we all know that is too often not the case in any case. Gay men can be much more destructive to each other than the worst of homophobes. That is truly tragic.

Jesus from Nazareth is said to have commented: "The truth will make you free." We would all do well to remember his wisdom in assessing the damage lies do to those who hear them and to those who tell them.
A professor and a pastor, Dr. Farmer has served three gay-affirming congregations over more than two decades. He may be contacted through his website: web.mac.com/dfarmer777.