The SHADOW: On Domestic Violence

a few days ago, i was hanging out at a friend’s apartment and we heard this rumbling. now, we usually ignore any noise we hear because well, we live in new york. bitches are loud here! but after 10 minutes of hearing this rumbling and what sounded like yelling, we turned our music down and took a listen. there was a male and a female voice and by the sound of the screaming, it really seemed like someone was taking a serious beat down upstairs. that got me thinking, “why would anyone ever take it upon themselves to beat someone they supposedly love?”

domestic violence is an issue, that up to this point, i have never really had to concern myself with. i’ve never been a victim of domestic violence; and i don’t think i have it in me to hit someone that i share a bed with. but obviously, there are those who have no problem with giving someone a beating, as well as those who find themselves victims on a regular basis. my question is- what gives anyone the right to make use of another human being as your punching bag? i just don’t understand how anyone could be *that* angry. i’ve heard stories from friends, acquaintances and the like of people being provoked by jealousy, greed, or just plain anger and i don’t get it. in my opinion, those who hit are sad, conflicted, insecure and self-hating human beings. instead of getting to the root of their anger, and research what, inside themselves, actually makes them so mad, they take their frustrations out on someone whom they claim to love. all i know is… i’ll be damned if i’m going to let you beat me!

part of what adds to my frustration is the extent to which we may or may not be bringing any sort of domestic violence on ourselves. some of my friends have recently shared with me that while in the throws of passion with their significant others, they like the sensation of being choked, slapped and sometimes even beaten, spat on… you get the picture. what happens when that is taken too far? even further, who’s to say what “too far” actually is? where does the line get drawn in those situations between a sexual encounter and domestic violence?

the same question can be asked when it comes to children. we all, especially if you’re black, have at some point in your youth encountered being disciplined by your parents. my parents always quoted the saying, “spare the rod, and spoil the child” in my growing up, and to this day, i still have issues with it. i don’t personally agree with beating kids as a punishment; however i am able to take a step back and acknowledge the benefits of such a discipline. i do, however, believe that many, if not most parents who “spank” their kids tend to take it too far. let’s take, for example, a parent that has had an incredibly bad day only to come home and find that their child has done something bad enough to warrant getting a spanking. you cannot tell me that the parent will not take out some of that other aggression onto their child. at what point first, do you stop spanking your kid; and second at what point does the spanking become an act of domestic violence?

i don’t have any answers when it comes to this subject. i’m just an observer. like i said, i’ve never been hit, nor have i ever raised my hand toward anyone. as such, i cannot say what provokes someone to hit a loved one, or take a beating from one either. but i can say this. if you find yourself either being a victim or an attacker, ask yourself why! why are you allowing yourself to reach that low? what is it inside you that makes you so angry or feel so little for yourself that you would violently act against someone or accept someone acting violently against you? you are not made a man by hitting someone, nor are you allowing yourself any freedom by letting someone hit you. think about it. if you really cared for yourself, would you allow such a thing to happen? i don’t think so.