The SHADOW: Stuck

Something crazy and very unsettling seems to be going around. Bouncing from head to head- not just all over New York City, but apparently throughout the world- it somehow found its way through my immediate circle of friends and acquaintances, and has now finally landed on me. As a result, I am not stagnant and stuck. Not necessarily between a rock and a hard place (although it feels that way at times), but creatively, motivationally, and ...stuck.

I'm not quite sure if it has come with the entering of a new, and of course, colder season, or if I myself have changed and am trying to find my footing. All I know is that these days, when I wake up in the morning, I want to go right back to sleep. Not because I'm too tired, hungover or sick, but because I'm unmotivated and unmoved by the monotonous, revolving 24 hours that is my day and, in the grand scheme of things, my life.

I'm usually one to look on the brighter side of things or just keep my head down and push through with a smile on my face, but I gotta speak up- something is definitely wrong. I've hit a point where nothing in my life inspires me right now. Not the job I'm working, the projects I've involved myself in, the people in my circle, or even the book that I'm writing. Nothing. I won't go as far as to say, "I have nothing to live for-" that's stupid; but the question around what I'm living my life for is entering my head a lot more often than it used to. Probably because of all the time I spend thinking about such things while procrastinating on the "to do lists" of my uninspired (to me, at least) life.

At first, I thought it was just me- that I was in a funk of my own. Many of the people around me seemed to be extremely happy and productive, and so I resorted to the idea that my slump was strictly that... mine. It wasn't until I started sharing what I was going through with my friends that I began to see that damn near everyone is going through the same thing right now. Everyone is uninspired by the projects and events of their current lives. What happened? Is it that we are growing, and the things that made us happy no longer fulfill us anymore? Or perhaps we've grown lazy and impatient waiting for the lives of our dreams to present itself through the work we do on a daily basis?

No one seems to have an answer for this stagnant state of being that I, along with some of my friends and acquaintances find ourselves in these days. You might even be going through something like this as well. If you are, then I'm pretty sure you are also equally as frustrated. Some people have suggested finding peace at church or in yoga/meditation, while others have suggested things like taking a vacation or starting completely new projects. I don't know if these are the answers that I'm looking for, but I do know that it is only a matter of time before I, and you figure it all out. One of the things that has helped me begin to shift everything around is taking the opportunity to think of my life and various projects at a different angle. Also, allowing and inviting new things and people into my life that are forcing me to think and respond differently is starting to spark something in me that wasn't there before.

Maybe the key is to try something new and go out and do something different. Or maybe there's something to be said for appreciating what we've already created and remind ourselves of how those things inspired us in the first place. I don't know. But for those of you who *have* figured it out- please share it with the rest of us. Cuz I want to be excited about life again...

Evolution of a Man...

Somewhere Over the Rainbow…

It’s summer time, and once again, everyone seems to be frantically searching for locations far, far away at which they can let their hair down, forget about their troubles, and perhaps, get down with gay people from across the globe. This latter agenda item leaves us questioning our friends, researching online and more in the hopes that we will find a comfortable, entertaining and relaxing destination where we can be as gay as we wanna be.

I, myself have yet to extensively travel the globe- I’ve only been out of the country once a few years ago, and that was on a trip with family members. Right- not gay at all! It is definitely time, however to spread my little queer wings a little wider and go on holiday. But where does one travel when conquering the gay globe? After doing a little research of my own, I’ve compiled a list of what I’ll call the 5 Gay Meccas of the world. Hopefully they will help you in researching your next big gay vacation.

First, let’s start at home… NEW YORK CITY!

Now, I know many, if not most of you are thinking, “Bitch, I live in NYC. Why the hell would I want to vacation here?” If this is you, I ask you to consider the following. Consider the fact that there are probably many, many places that you have not yet visited, and many things that you have yet to see and do in the city in which you live- regardless of whether it’s NYC, ATL, Chicago, etc. Try opening your mind just a little bit more, and go on an adventure in your own city. Visit a part of the city (perhaps known to be gay) that you would normally not travel to or party in, and see what comes up. Who knows, you might find your new favorite coffee shop, club, boyfriend- whatever. You never know what’s out there…

Now, let’s get outta the country!

Mykonos:

First and foremost, Mykonos boast a wide variety of beaches both gay friendly and predominately gay. Now, it may be true that many black gay men aren’t going near any body of water for no swimmin’, but if there’s one hobby that gay men across the globe participate in, it’s staring at other hot gay men. What better place than to do that than on the beaches of some foreign land? The general rule of thumb around Mykonos beaches is that the more rocky the beach, the more likely you will find studs cruising it.

It is advised that you plan your stay in the port for more lively gay nightlife. However, if you wish to have a more relaxing trip, a location near Plati Yalou Beach would be more for you. There is a very gay friendly area called Little Venice- known for its outdoor café’s, bars and shops. And after all, that eating, drinking and shopping, you can catch the sunset at the Kastro Bar (also in Little-Venice) and then dance the night away amongst the local divas at Pierro’s gay disco.

Ibiza:

God, I love Spain! When I visited there (only for a few days), I found myself in need of many changes of underwear after a healthy day of cruising and sightseeing. Ibiza remains to this day, one of Europe’s premiere destinations for homos and their friends.

Don’t you dare visit Ibiza without hitting up Privilege- the world’s largest club. There’s also Es Paradis- noted for its water parties, and Amnesia- known for foam parties. (side note: if you’ve never been to a foam party before, you have not yet lived! That shit is bananas!). The point here is that although the beaches of Ibiza are fantastic, and definitely worth seeing; if you don’t hit up all the clubs and bars that Ibiza has to offer, then you are not only missing out on some serious dancing, but some serious chorizo as well.

Montreal:

Although Montreal does have a great gay social scene, I, being a peaceful-natured queer love the draw of the many Bed and Breakfast spots located in the village. These quaint little mini-hotels are located right in the heart of gay Montreal- many of them open for men only. What’s great about them is that at first glance, one may think of them as a simple hotel, they are so much more- they tend to be a bit more comfortable than many other hotels- and as opposed to staying in a hotel, one of the pluses of staying at a B&B is it’s feeling of home. You don’t ever really feel too far away from home staying at a B&B.

Also, while in Montreal, I would recommend venturing out into the country and going for a hike. Montreal has great hiking within the city limits, and much more backpacking in the surrounding regions. Not all vacation destinations have to end up with a trip to the beach and/or club. I love the outdoors, and quite often jump at the opportunity to strap on a backpack, and hike up a mountain to a nice lake/ campsite. While in Montreal, if hiking/ backpacking strikes your fancy, be sure to check out the mountain, Mont Royal. There you will find dozens of trails and pathways in the area. I know it sounds intimidating and just plain “not fun” for many of you, but try it out. What’s the point of living if you’re not going to try something new every once in a while.

Bangkok:

Finally, there’s this little piece of Thailand that boasts some of the wildest parties and most extreme gay culture. Bangkok is the heart of gay Thailand, although money can’t buy you love, it can buy you a close copy for a short time- if that’s what you’re into. The party scene in Bangkok ranges from bars, to clubs, to saunas, to karaoke and cabaret. If you can think it up, it probably exists somewhere in Bangkok. The “gayborhood” of Bangkok is located in the ever-so-trendy Silom/Suriwong/Patpong area. The nightlife is fierce, bordering insane, with most of the gay go-go bars featuring sexy shows in addition to go-go dancing. (y’all know I love me some strippers!).

If you haven’t already guessed, Bangkok gives a little more of a seedy representation than the other gay destinations on this list. I wanted to add it so as to show the vast differences in experiences that you encounter in your trek across the gay globe. In gay Bangkok, the feminine side of society is celebrated. In fact, upon visiting, you will learn of the famous “ladyboys” who walk the streets in search of their next party, function, etc. Most are she-males who cannot afford the full operation, but interestingly enough find themselves partners in both gay and straight men. Sure, it may be a vast difference from what you are used to, but you’re bound to learn a lot about the world once you visit.

*****

Of course there are many, many more destinations and adventures to be had across the globe- I just wanted to point out a few that I have been researching while looking to plan my next vacation. Regardless of where you are going- whether it’s near or far to your current location, as you travel over the rainbow, be sure to be careful, stay protected, and take a camera- you’re gonna want to catch it ALL on film! Have a great trip!

The SHADOW: On Angry Gay Men

i'm mad as hell, and i'm not gonna take it anymore…

i've come across quite a few people recently who have expressed their opinion to me that being gay makes them angry. really angry… some even feel that being gay is a curse.

i have to admit that for a long time, i was also of this same opinion. i mean, i feel that there comes a time in all of our lives when we realize just how difficult being gay really is - especially when we live in a society that, for the most part, values masculinity, the "laws" of marriage, and other stereotypes of the typical straight man and his or her relationship.

growing up, i remember having a very difficult time coping with the fact that i was gay. i was one of those individuals who never quite fit in. i was always a little bit different than the other students in school. not necessarily "obviously gay" different, but different nonetheless. i never much cared for the various sports teams gallivanting around campus; never became versed in the jargon of others in my generation, so to speak; and never took the time to get to know any of the females in said generation either. i had my own events, spoke my own language, and my few friends were company enough. i was fine.

and then one day, not particularly different from any other, i received that familiar look of disdain from a group of students passing my way in the hall. on a quick impulse i asked my best friend to go and find out why i, in their eyes, was so unworthy of any sort of civil communication [read: i asked her to find out why they hated me so much and treated me like shit]; cuz i couldn't get it. she returned with 5 simple, yet powerful words… "because they think you're gay."

that moment became incredibly significant in how i was to live the next 3 years of my life. those 5 words, i'm sure, rolled quite easily off the tongue of whoever said them, but they landed pretty damn hard in my head. as far as i was concerned, i was going to be hated and ostracized for the rest of my life due to the simple assumption that i was gay. no evidence, no confession, just an assumption. i knew for myself that i liked other guys, and had a general idea of what that meant for the world around me, but right then – it hit home. i was gay, everyone knew it, and i was to spend the rest of my life alone. that made me angry!

when i first entered college, i almost couldn't stand to be around gay people. the way they were so open with their sexuality—just flaunting it around as if it were normal. as if it didn't matter. it took me forever and a day to realize that it is normal—it doesn't matter. and my life has consistently gotten easier ever since. i grew to know and to accept that there may be certain things that i'd have to attain through other means… but i can attain them nonetheless. i can have a family with 2.5 kids, a dog and a cat. i can live in a house in the most distinguished of areas. i can be just as happy as any straight couple there ever existed- maybe even happier.

as far as i 'm concerned, gay guys and gals get to live lives that are way more fabulous than those of our straight counterparts. think of it. gay men and women everywhere are becoming trendsetters in just about everything you can possibly think of. the gay dollar is now worth more than that of some rather large cultures that inhabit this country. we have proven to the country, and in some ways, the world, that we are just as good, if not better than those who prefer people of the opposite sex. and that's all i need to know as far as inspiration is concerned. i no longer feel angry about the idea that as a gay man, i can't live up to anything. as a matter of fact… anything you can do, i can do better.

now, i fully understand that what worked for me will not work for many others. what made me angry about being a gay man could very well be something completely different than what made or makes you angry. the important thing is that you realize that your life was not given to you so that you can spend it angry and upset about something you absolutely had and continue to have no control over. find that thing that gives you inspiration and triumph over your anger at being gay and run with it. run as fast as you can. only then, can you give up what doesn't matter, and focus on what really does… your life!

The SHADOW: On Gay Pride

proud nelly!

when it comes to your sexuality, how proud are you? that is a question that i’ve been pondering lately, and as this is pride month (at least in new york), i thought i’d bring the subject of gay pride to the forefront and have a little one-sided chat with you all. cool? ok, here we go…

i’m pretty gay. scratch that… i’m really gay. i’m in the process of interviewing the people in my life about who i am as an individual from their perspective. one of the questions i ask of said interviewees is, “what is something that everyone knows about me.” several of these people didn’t even twitch before they answered, “you’re gay” or “homo!” or something to that effect. at first, hearing this jarred me quite a bit. i mean, i am in no way (anymore) ashamed, scared or disappointed about my sexuality. i love who i am; but at the same time, there was a moment in hearing their answers where i found myself a bit unsettled in imagining that upon meeting me, one’s first thought could possibly be, “oh yeah… big fag!”

this then begged the question, “well, if that’s a concern of yours, then how proud are you of your sexuality?” how can i sit here as a comfortable, successful and self-loving gay man in one minute, and then be concerned about what others were going to say about my sexuality the next? it didn’t make sense, and i had to check myself very quickly. there was a time when i didn’t even want the voice in my head to know that i liked boys. nowadays, the voice in my head picks out which boys i should go and talk to at the club. that took a lot of work, but at the end of the day, i am able to look myself in the mirror and proudly acknowledge the fact that i like a good dick every now and then. and there’s nothing wrong with that.

that being said, i wouldn’t say that i now skip around the streets of new york, pride flag in hand, preaching the joys of my homosexuality; but i don’t necessarily hide it either. i am very proud to be a gay man, and even prouder to be a black gay man! there is something so special in that phrase “black, gay man”… something incredibly powerful. to sit here as a minority of a minority- happy with my life, and who i am regardless of how others view me is a tremendously great feeling. i’m not going to suggest that i have no problems and never run into any sort of scrutiny over my sexuality, but i will say that i’ve been able to overcome those situations through an understanding and a love for myself. i only have me… period. i can’t control you, your thoughts, your words, or your actions; so why even try? if someone has a problem with my being gay, i only have to remind myself that their problem has nothing to do with me, and then i’m good.

think about it. if someone you know, or even don’t know approaches you and makes some sort of negative comment about your sexuality, where does that come from? it certainly doesn’t come from you- you would never subject yourself to something like that. it comes from a space of fear, uncertainty, ignorance or just plain stupidity on the part of that person. it has absolutely nothing to do with you. maybe that person is fighting with their sexuality and is looking for a way to vent. maybe that person hates the fact that you are a lot happier in your gay life than they are in their straight one. who knows? all i know is that i can’t help being gay. i can’t help seeing boris kudjoe and getting all kinds of happy. i can’t help but to be the person i was created as- a black, gay man. and because i love the man that i am, i can’t help but to be proud!

so how proud are you? some of you are so proud of being gay that you can be seen on any given sunny day snappin’ for the kids up and down the west side highway. others show their pride with the magazines and tv shows they’ve created- giving the community a voice and calming the fears of both society at large, but also some of those still hiding very deep in their own closets. some of you are so damn proud that you throw parties for yourself commemorating the day you came out.

i don’t care who you are... a little gay, or a whole lotta gay. if you look inside yourself, eliminate all exterior circumstances, comments and concerns that are out of your control, and you find that you actually like, if not love the person you are; then you should be proud! so this year, as we enter gay pride 2007, make sure you celebrate! march in the parade. have a cocktail at your local gay bar. have a little cock. do something! celebrate who you are because you’re beautiful, you’re exactly who you’re supposed to be, and you’re worth more than you ever dreamed you could be.

happy pride!

The SHADOW: On Domestic Violence

a few days ago, i was hanging out at a friend’s apartment and we heard this rumbling. now, we usually ignore any noise we hear because well, we live in new york. bitches are loud here! but after 10 minutes of hearing this rumbling and what sounded like yelling, we turned our music down and took a listen. there was a male and a female voice and by the sound of the screaming, it really seemed like someone was taking a serious beat down upstairs. that got me thinking, “why would anyone ever take it upon themselves to beat someone they supposedly love?”

domestic violence is an issue, that up to this point, i have never really had to concern myself with. i’ve never been a victim of domestic violence; and i don’t think i have it in me to hit someone that i share a bed with. but obviously, there are those who have no problem with giving someone a beating, as well as those who find themselves victims on a regular basis. my question is- what gives anyone the right to make use of another human being as your punching bag? i just don’t understand how anyone could be *that* angry. i’ve heard stories from friends, acquaintances and the like of people being provoked by jealousy, greed, or just plain anger and i don’t get it. in my opinion, those who hit are sad, conflicted, insecure and self-hating human beings. instead of getting to the root of their anger, and research what, inside themselves, actually makes them so mad, they take their frustrations out on someone whom they claim to love. all i know is… i’ll be damned if i’m going to let you beat me!

part of what adds to my frustration is the extent to which we may or may not be bringing any sort of domestic violence on ourselves. some of my friends have recently shared with me that while in the throws of passion with their significant others, they like the sensation of being choked, slapped and sometimes even beaten, spat on… you get the picture. what happens when that is taken too far? even further, who’s to say what “too far” actually is? where does the line get drawn in those situations between a sexual encounter and domestic violence?

the same question can be asked when it comes to children. we all, especially if you’re black, have at some point in your youth encountered being disciplined by your parents. my parents always quoted the saying, “spare the rod, and spoil the child” in my growing up, and to this day, i still have issues with it. i don’t personally agree with beating kids as a punishment; however i am able to take a step back and acknowledge the benefits of such a discipline. i do, however, believe that many, if not most parents who “spank” their kids tend to take it too far. let’s take, for example, a parent that has had an incredibly bad day only to come home and find that their child has done something bad enough to warrant getting a spanking. you cannot tell me that the parent will not take out some of that other aggression onto their child. at what point first, do you stop spanking your kid; and second at what point does the spanking become an act of domestic violence?

i don’t have any answers when it comes to this subject. i’m just an observer. like i said, i’ve never been hit, nor have i ever raised my hand toward anyone. as such, i cannot say what provokes someone to hit a loved one, or take a beating from one either. but i can say this. if you find yourself either being a victim or an attacker, ask yourself why! why are you allowing yourself to reach that low? what is it inside you that makes you so angry or feel so little for yourself that you would violently act against someone or accept someone acting violently against you? you are not made a man by hitting someone, nor are you allowing yourself any freedom by letting someone hit you. think about it. if you really cared for yourself, would you allow such a thing to happen? i don’t think so.

The SHADOW: On Black Gay Magazines

recently, i've been introduced to a few different magazines targeted to the urban gay community- UNeQ, bleu and clik. after browsing through them all, i concluded that, in this case, art really does imitate life. what i mean by this is that when one takes a close look at the black gay community (at least here in new york - and, this could very well be just my opinion), he or she finds a consistent amount of shade, and an even larger amount of competition. as a community, we have not yet gotten to the point of being able to support one another and truly help each other out without asking first, "what's in it for me…"

all of the aforementioned magazines have everything in common with the exception of one thing- their names (i'll get to that later). the look and feel may be different, however all of the content is the same. i asked around to find out a little more information about the creators of these magazines, and was not so surprised to come to learn (in a subtle way) that each magazine was created as a response to the other simply existing in the first place. this begs the question, "why in the hell are we competing against each other?" seriously… money and "fame" aside, is there some prize to be won for having "the best" urban gay publication out there? i doubt it.

now, i'm not asserting that these magazines are insignificant and have no voice. in reality, they have more of a potential voice in the media than many of the urban (period) publications on the stands today. for the most part, the content is actually good. but, in my opinion, what is keeping these publications from reaching the mass success everyone is apparently looking for is the fact that all of them have the exact same message; and so why then is there any reason to read either one of them?

i think all of these guys should get together and create one incredible, fierce, provocative and entertaining magazine. imagine what would be possible if all of these people (who are supposedly friends anyway) got together and set a standard for what an urban gay magazine should be. there is so much talent between the 3 of them, but each one is looking to take control of the spotlight. there is nothing wrong with creating something new and fresh together. do it for education. do it for acknowledgement. do it for timelessness. but do it right!

i look forward to reading your joined publication effort in the near future.

…and as for the name of this new publication - can you, you know… spell it correctly? we might be of a different mind, attitude and , but we're not stupid nor ignorant!

The SHADOW: On Luck in the People Pool

on luck in the people pool…

in a city like new york, where many, if not most of the black gay men are either on the dl, looking for white guys, or venturing into the latin arena; where does one attractive, intelligent, and successful young man meet an eligible, bachelor of the same caliber? apparently, our options are limited…

contradictory to the environment in which i was raised, i currently find myself frequenting bars and clubs primarily attended by black and latino gay men… and i'm lovin' it! the problem that i am running into, however, is that bars and clubs are not good places to meet minority gay men. you rarely, if ever, can have an actual conversation in a club; and 9 times out of 10, you're meeting a person's representative as opposed to their actual selves. in my experience, conversations (friendly, or otherwise) that i attempt to create in a bar or club never even get started unless the party i'm speaking to feels like i'll be of some use to him. that's pretty disgusting (as well as a whole other article). so bars and clubs are out…

where else should someone like me venture to have luck meeting people in the new york city pool of the urban gay successful and intelligent men? outside a bar or club i'm finding that there are very few, if any other options where gay men of color can meet. every other option that i have encountered has turned out to be something of a joke- book clubs where the novel in question hasn't been read by most in attendance; social events where upon attendance most people run straight to their cliques and never step out to encounter something new; or even birthday parties or get-togethers where everyone you talk to takes it upon themselves to react to you as if in your conversation, you are only trying to get into their pants.

and then there's online. what urban gay online site you know is not simply devoted (in reality as opposed to theoretically) to hooking up or having causal sex? now, i'm not counting myself out of this pool, as to do so would be hypocritical. i have profiles myself, and on occasion, make use of them in times when i'm feeling particularly vulnerable or lonely. however, i am truly looking for more. i am looking for friendship… and possibly even love.

if anyone knows of any places to meet quality men of color- whether it be for friendship or perhaps even a relationship please let me know. and i'm talking about events where those in attendance are actually seeking friendships or relationships, and are not just there to promote themselves, hook up with someone, or just (poorly) convince themselves that they are better than everyone else.
maybe it's not an activities issue, but a "community" issue. hmmm. i'll have to ponder that one…

THE SHADOW: Never Knew Love

On the way to work I saw 2 birds coo-ing in the trees
I sighed
Walking through the park I saw two midgets playing "birds and the bees"
I died
My inbox contained an email from "Paul_studying_Law"
I sighed
But when I read the words, "Hey cute smile- I wanna fuck you raw..."
I cried

These days I seem to be “wookin pa nub” in all the wrong places. I don't know what it is, but every guy out there seems to have some freak quality about him. If I get one more email containing the same or similar messages as the aforementioned; or meet one more guy with that same mentality, I'm gonna take a hostage. And yet, on a daily basis I find myself logging in and asking for more.

I am a hopeless romantic and always have been, but I feel like that is quickly deteriorating because I'm not meeting anyone who is the same. I've never been in love. Nor have I ever been in a relationship. Maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe I'm trying too wrong. All I know is that I'm smart, eclectic, fun and attractive, but I tend to attract guys who are dumb as top soil, one sided, and who just wanna turn me out and, well... fuck me raw. None of which I'm tryin to do right now.

Today, as I was perusing through a friend's blog, I read a paragraph about how he and his boyfriend spent some time together over the weekend watching TV and falling asleep. I found myself with an odd feeling. IM-ing with a friend, I later found my answer. "You're jealous of their relationship." he was right. I long for a relationship of my own. I see people everywhere who are (seemingly) happily in love these days, and I shoot them that old evil eye. Am I not deserving? Am I not worthy of love? Have I done something in the past that I am being punished for? - because all I'm gettin' is bullshit. And I'm not trying to be mean or cruel by any means, but the other day walking down the street I saw two of the most unattractive people kissing and holding hands and I was like "Oh, COME ON!!!!"

I often wonder what love feels like. you hear the word or something related to it on a daily basis; and yet, when it comes to describing it one often finds difficulty. Is it like the feeling you get sitting next to a crackling fire on a cold day? Or perhaps that feeling you get when your favorite song plays on your ipod shuffle? Maybe it's like the feeling of blood flowing through your veins right after that second puff? I don't know… but I wanna find out. And I'm not just looking for the "happy" love, either. I want it all. The holding hands, the kissing, the arguing, the fighting, the making up, the idiosyncrasies, the vices, the peace, the tranquility, the truth- everything! I'm pretty new to the scene and haven't experienced much of anything; but love has been the one thing that I anticipate experiencing the most- because it's the one thing that's everywhere.

I know love will find me one day, and I must be patient; but that is a hard thing to do. So, I will continue to sit perched at my computer, or stand perusing a crowd a the club until that one day when I meet someone who is deserving (and willing) to go on the ride of his life and be with the love of his life….. ME!

THE SHADOW: Starting Over

on starting over…the one thing that holds true for everyone on the planet is that we all have a past, a present and a future. whether our future is for the next 5 days, 5 years or 5 decades we're not sure… but a future exists for all of us. for most, however, we live in the present, but carry the trials and tribulations of our past into the future.

i used to be one of those people, but i have been very much awakened in the past few weeks. i took a seminar called the landmark forum, which forced me to look at my life, my persistent complaining, insecurities and my past, and face them head on. the idea behind the forum is that you cannot move on and grow into your future until you complete your past. i cried more during the weekend seminar than i have in the past 15 years of my life, and as a result, i am now free to create for myself any future that i wish free from the burdens of my past.

i walked into the seminar looking around for people in black robes anda table full of cups with red kool-aid, but instead, found a nice french woman standing at the front of the room welcoming the attendees to their future. little did i know, this french woman would soon break me down, tear me apart and change my life forever.

i decided to attend landmark under the guidance of my friend nathan seven scott, who advised me to take advantage of the seminar – "you'll get out of it, what you put in." as a result, when frenchie asked of the room,"why are you here?" i immediately raised my hand (not knowing i was going to be asked to go to the microphone to speak). i mentioned my insecurities and lack of confidence as the primary reason for taking this seminar. i wanted to rid myself of these things in order to move on with my life without fear.

before i knew it, i was being broken down and had my life handed to me like a hard kick in the ass. as i explained my insecurities, etc. her response was, "so, when did you decide that you were worthless?" excuse me? i never said that i thought i was worthless. "well, your words and explanations speak differently… how old were you when you decided that you were worthless?" dayum… she got me. i'll spare you the details of the conversation, but she essentially went through this "conversation" with everyone in the class.

the main focal point of this seminar was about "completing your past." we realized how much we complain about the people in our lives and the situations we find ourselves in. and further, how those complaints stem from our own issues with ourselves. think about it- when you complain about someone, it has absolutely nothing to do with them. it has to do with a problem you have about that person. they could careless. if i'm complaining that such and such is too slow or whatever; it has nothing to do with that person, but everything to do with my impatience. you feel me? think about some of the persistent complaints in your life- like REALLY think about them. what are they really about? are they actually about that person or thing, or are they about some problem you have in your own life that you are imposing onto someone else? i'll almost bet that it's the latter.

anyway, i realized that i was complaining way too much and for no reason whatsoever. we were challenged to call the people in our lives, share what we were experiencing as a result of taking the course and apologize to them not only for complaining about them, but also apologize for blaming them for the problems within our own lives. heavy, huh? i called my mom, dad, and several of my friends both past and present; as well as wrote letters to those whom i could not contact, and just purged myself of all of this unnecessary bullshit. bring on the tears.

the part of the course that i got the most out of and that was pretty much the pivotal moment of my transformation was an exercise in "being." everyone who knows me knows that i had a problem in social situations in terms of fear. i've always been too scared to go up to someone and say "HI", start a conversation or meet people in general. ihid it under the guise of being shy (which definitely wasn't the case), but in truth, i was just way too insecure and didn't believe in myself.

as a result of this exercise and the lessons i learned from the seminar in general, i'm free. not only from my fear, but from the past imposing itself onto my life and my future. if i were to walk into a bar or club right now, i'd be able to talk to anyone there- and that is a great feeling.

i can now start fresh - create a life for myself of living in the moment and doing things that make me happy. i'm living a life without fear, insecurity or complaints. and i must say, it feels fucking great! and i'm incredibly grateful. so to seven, i give you a truly heartfelt thank you! now that i'm set free, i'm almost a bit scared for the world cuz, um… y'all not ready for THE SHADOW. trust! tout est possible!

THE SHADOW: on & on

on and on, but lesson learned...

"oh my my my i'm feelin high my money's gone i'm all alone..." ---- e. badu

sometimes, you just have to look in the mirror, laugh at yourself and say, "you stupid bitch!"

i recently got myself into a situation in which i ignored my friends and, on some level, my conscience and more intelligent self. as i am new to "the life" as some would call it, and definitely new to dating, i'm a bit naive when it comes to dealing with men involved in the lifestyle. knowing rejection just as billie holiday knows heartache has left me a little desperate in my quest for my boo; and as a result, if you even turn my way and wink at me, you'll prolly have me following you around for a good 10 minutes. but don't worry, I'm working on that...

however, until i defeat that demon, i'm at the whim of those who pay me attention. case in point: my current, or most recent situation- a phyne and sexy young man henceforth to be known as smoke stack. I met smoke stack (so called due to the amount of "get-right" he consumes, and thus now has me consuming) online, and after the usual bout of back and forth emails, we decided to meet up for conversation, booze, get-right, etc.

i reached his apartment, at which he smoked me under the table and engaged me in conversation ranging from music to movies to politics and more. i was twitterpated from the jump. a phyne and sexy black man who could roll a blunt, hold a conversation and actually liked me? WHAT? it was a wrap. and then the phone rang...

smoke stack: "hello?"
caller: *words i'm not hearing*
smoke stack: "oh hold on one second." excuse me for just a minute. *walks the fuck away*

so i'm left sitting on the couch, high as whitney on crack, weed, bobby, life, watching God knows what on tv, with an impending hard-on in my pants, and diminishing patience. not a good look. smoke stack, 5 minutes later, comes back into the living room, and the following words spout from his mouth.

"ummm... there's a guy coming over for a massage in 20 minutes..."

excuse me?? homosaywhat??

Turns out that as a way to supplement his income, smoke stack engages in how u say... "personal favors" [read: HE A ESCORT, Y'ALL!]. now i had a decision to make. i could either take my "get yo ass off of craiglist and find a man with an edu-ma-cation" advice that my mama gave me; or follow the direction in which my high was taking me.

I made the wrong decision. again... there was an impending hard-on involved. so i took the "maybe he'll have me singin 'whatever' like jill scott when i wake up in the morning" advice that the insecure, rejection-prone freak inside me was screaming.

Long story short: it's been a month and i now find myself sitting at home, logged into match.com, repeatedly singing, instead, the first 4 phrases of erykah badu's "on and on."

*looks in the mirror and laughs..."you stupid bitch!"*

"can you loan me $20 til i get my check next week..."
angie stone (featuring smoke stack)