Come Away with Me

Come away with me…

Those were the only words that Sean Thurston allowed to linger in his mind.

Come away with me… in the night.

The lyrics to his favorite Norah Jones song were the only relief to the numbing nervousness that began to blanket over him.

As he replayed the lyrics over and over in his mind, he could feel the warmth of relaxation begin to flow from the crown of his head down towards his torso. He inhaled the cold, sterile air of the doctor’s office, which seemed to awake him from his intended relaxation nap.

Come away with me and I will rock you soft…

He closed his eyes tight and thought to himself, Oh, Norah; I wish I could go away with you or anyone else for that matter. I just don’t wanna be here.

Before he knew it, he was gently rocking himself from side to side in the hard wooden chair on his imaginary journey with Norah.

“All right, Mr. Thurston”.

Sean was startled back to reality by the sturdy, English accented voice of the doctor.

“Dr. Wright…”

Dr. Wright was a tall, lanky man with a white, pasty complexion. He walked into the office and sat down behind the cherry wood-grained desk, which was neatly adorned with family pictures and personal trinkets. His glasses sat at the tip of his nose as he looked over the contents of a dark blue folder.

Sean sat up straight in the chair and began to stare at Dr. Wright as if he was studying what was going on behind the doctor’s eyes.

He began to remember how he’d gotten himself into this situation. Two weeks ago, his best girlfriend, Dionne, had asked him had he ever been tested. When he told her that he had never gone through with the testing, she suggested that they go and be tested together.

Dionne had been sweating bullets because she hadn’t used a condom with her latest conquest. She said that after it was all said and done, he looked a little “suspect”. She used that term when she wasn’t 100% sure of what team her men were on. Needless to say, two weeks later, here Sean was… sitting across the desk from a man, who could possibly give him news that could change his life forever.

After further reviewing the contents of the folder, Dr. Wright sat down the folder and intertwined his fingers together.

Sean stiffened his demeanor while tension pulsed through his body.

That familiar blanket of nervousness was back with a vengeance.

Oh God, Sean thought to himself.

Dr. Wright looked at him and smiled.

Well, at least he’s smiling… That could mean that I’m clean, Sean thought.

“Well, Mr. Thurston, I know that you’re anxious to get these test results. I can only imagine how these past two weeks have been for you…”

Beads of perspiration were flooding down the small of his back as he awaited for the results with bated breath.

Our Father… who art in Heaven… Hallowed be thy name…, Sean inwardly prayed.

“Unfortunately, Mr. Thurston, you have tested positive for HIV”.

Thy kingdom come…thy will be done…

Sean looked straight ahead, as if he was looking through Dr. Wright.

He didn’t feel anything…

No anger…

No sorrow…

No sadness…

No shock...

He realized he was drained of emotion. The only thoughts in his mind were the letters H-I-V.

HIV…

Positive…

Suddenly, Sean could feel the gravity of the statement that Dr. Wright had just uttered. The warm sensation of shock began to permeate from the core of his being, as if a fire had been started in his stomach. The blurriness of Dr. Wright’s diagnosis began to come into focus.

“Mr. Thurston?” Dr. Wright hesitantly asked.

No answer.

“Mr. Thurston, are you all right?”

Sean just stared through the doctor, as a single tear ran down the left side of his cheek.

Come away with me… in the night…

I AM A LEADER CAMPAIGN

While I was in South Africa, one of the projects that I created was the I AM A LEADER CAMPAIGN. The students at the high school were so respectful and eager to learn and try something new. They truly inspired me to want to do more. This is Wiseman Lunga Ndengezi. It took me some time to finally say this young man's name correctly but I got it. I hope you enjoy the campaign!

Stanley Bennett Clay

An interview with Stanley Bennett Clay
By Stephen Andrieux
Kuttinedgeonline.com

Recently kuttinedgeonline.com had the pleasure of meeting up with esteemed author Stanley Bennett Clay to discuss his brand new book “Looker.” We hope you enjoy this insightful look into the life of Stanley and his captivating new book. If you haven’t had the opportunity to purchase his new book check out the kuttinedgeonline.com shopping section and purchase your copy today!.

Stephen: So Stanley, I am so glad that we are able to finally speak. I have been such a strong fan of your work and I am eager to share learning more about the man behind the literature. Where is life like for Stanley after this latest release?

Stanley: I am very comfortable where I am right now. I have had successful careers as an actor writer and as a composer and it has been very rewarding.
The most important thing that I can say right now is that I have great friends and family and health. I have great health on top of everything.

I guess as I reflect on all of my accomplishment, I have to ask myself, how did I luck out to get all of these blessings and I think part of it is that I so humbly appreciate them.

Stephen: What were the challenges in getting to this point in your life?

The challenges, I don’t know if they were challenges. I always thought that my life was pretty boring because I did not have the challenges that other people had.
I had a wonderful mother and a wonderful father who passed away.
I grew up watching them with very little money create this world for themselves and their family and it was not until I became an adult that I was really aware about the turmoil that was happening in a lot of black families, I was kind of like sheltered in that respect.

So the challenges for me were trying to understand other people’s challenges. I think that I try to capture that in my writing. What I’ve done is that I recognize those conflicts and for lack of a better term act as a voyeur, watching what other people were going through and telling those stories.

It was very hard for me to write anything autobiographical because I find my autobiography kind of boring.

But I find what other people are doing very interesting with facing conflicts and things like that.

Stephen: I wouldn’t say that your life is boring; I mean you have written numerous books and plays, been publisher of two magazines and won 3 NAACP awards. That has got to be an exciting experience?

Stanley: Well you know what it is. What’s interesting about winning awards. I have been winning awards all of my life and I think because I write honestly and as an actor I try to act honestly. I try to do things in an honest way and without wanting to do it to get an award. But……. suddenly people want to give me an award for it. Wow! It is just another humbling experience for me. I am always amazed that people think that I was that good that I deserved to win an award. You know it’s just another blessing. I definitely have to say that there are more blessings than challenges.



But if I am to directly answer your question I would have to say the biggest challenges is to keep improving upon myself. As someone says I really your work or I really like this particular book or I like really like this particular play. The challenge becomes to do something better.

That’s the challenge.

Stephen: Where did you get the inspiration for your book?

I always wanted to write about my community in Los Angeles because we don’t see a lot of stories about the black middle class in Los Angeles. It is either South Central or gang banging or it’s the fake and the plastic.

I wanted to chronicle the other world. There is another world that no one ever talks about. It’s the largest black community in Los Angeles which is the Baldwin Hills, Leimert Park, View Park, Area Theses areas are very conservative in living conditions but the community is very liberal and politically active and very powerful. They are very comfortable in their lives but they are not about the bling, bling. They are not about talking about it. They are not very demonstrative. I wanted to tell the story of those people that live in and for all intensive purposes a paradise, because Los Angeles is a paradise.

I wanted to write about this as people don’t get that lifestyle if you were to go by a lot of the literature that’s out there today. So as a result, I said that I want to be this crazy LA writer that writes those stories . I wrote in search of “Pretty Young Black Men” and “Looker” is the continuation of that kind of story. I wanted to write about your average every day well adjusted black homosexual, which we don’t get to enough of. Every Black homosexual is not crazy or sexed up or all this kind of stuff that you see in some of the media portrayals.

Most black homosexuals that I find are in some kind of decent relationship. The one’s that are single maybe that younger one’s but in my generation I find more people in long term committed relationships that are going through what everybody else is going through in a regular relationship. So there is nothing strange about it.

Stephen: So tell my audience a little about “Looker”?
I wanted to tell the story about a guy who faces the challenge that his life is almost too perfect. In his quest throughout this book he searches for the passion that is some how lacking in his life and it takes outside forces to create and to ignite the passion.

It was always their but it was lying dormant.. So that is what the story is really about. How do you ignite passion and realize that the love your life was staring you in the face all the time. He winds up falling in love with his best friend.

Stephen: So what kind of response have you received from the book?

Stanley: An excellent response, the reviews have been really great. Grady Huff, a top ten reviewer on Amazon.com has given it a five star review and Raw Sister book review which is a network of black female writers has given it five stars and a rave review and Clik Magazine has a given it a rave review. So, I’m kind of like taken a back by that cause I know what I went through writing the book and the complexity of writing the book.
So I am proud that it has been well received.

Stephen: How long did it take you to write the book?

Stanley: It didn’t take me a long time, but what I tend to do is write 4 to 5 projects at once. Whichever one gets finished first is the one that goes out next. I don’t even remember when I started it but I said oh, I think that this is finished and turned it into the publisher.

The publisher’s liked it, and I must say that I have to give a lot of credit to my publishers.

Stephen: You’re with Simon & Schuster?

Stanley: Yes.

There is this young editor over there by the name of Rashawn Trotman, who just gave me some insight on the younger generation and taught me how to address certain issues that younger people, people much younger than myself are face with.

So there nothing like a good editor and this young lady really made the book better than it would have been without her input.

Stephen: What do you find to be the difference between the age groups?

Stanley: When I was coming up, there was really no age gaps because the different age groups because the different age groups hung out together.

Stephen: Do you feel that this still goes on?

Stanley: I would have to answer that based on my own personal experience. I tend to have younger friends I find people in my own age category, they tend to be a little cynical, they tend to complain a lot and it ultimately comes down to that when you reach a certain age they are sitting around waiting to die.
The one thing that I like about young people is the optimism. I get energized by that.

There is a great deal of wisdom among older people but also there is a great deal of cynicism.. So, I tend to find young people to hang out with. And as a result even in my relationships. I mean the guy that I have been involved with for the last four years is 24 years old. I find that I learn so much from him and his enthusiasm for life.

Because you see, I’m still young at heart kind of person and I want to be able to talk about the possibilities. the limitless possibilities of life. I really don’t want to have a conversation with someone who has already limited their life and put a cap on it.

Stephen: Well, I was very happy to see that you have come out with another book, because I think that literature is something that our community so needs. How you feel about what it is our younger generation is doing right now?

Stanley: It is a very complex thing for me. On one hand I am very disturbed by the DL situation, I am not as disturbed by the homophobia because I think that this generation is probably less homophobic because they actually understand it a lot better. It is no big deal to a lot of younger people. It’s a big deal to people in the public eye.

The same rappers who are sitting their talking about faggots and homosexuals are the same ones that are getting their ass’s fucked everyday. And the same ones that are out their with every man they can get their hands on.

But those young people who have a sense of self who are real heterosexuals who are real solid in their sexuality they don’t have a problem with it.
They realize that we live in the world that has so much prejudice and that how in the world can you say that someone is a racist and you yourself are homophobic.

Cause if the white man calls you a nigger, if a man calls a woman a bitch, a straight person calls a gay person a faggot, your all in the same hell hole.

What everybody has to understand is that the issues is cross generational. No generation has a lock on that. But I have a lot of hope for young people because I think that when this older generation dies out and a lot of their old fucked up ideas die out. The world will be a better place

You know the thing is that we all have equal sharing in society and I think that young people are beginning to understand it because young people now are getting to know other kinds of people. Thank God for the internet.

Stephen: What have you seen happening throughout the generations coming up?

I think that one of the things and this may contradict something that I said earlier. I do see that the down low thing as damaging because and I say it may contradict something I said earlier because I said that this generation is more enlightened in certain areas. The down low thing is preventing a movement.
I came out as a gay man a year before stonewall in 1968 and at that time when stonewall hit. It was a revolution and at the same time as the gay revolution it was women’s liberation, it was the civil rights movement.

So you had all of these people that white straight constipated America had a thing against. When all three of these events came about and at the same time, there was much more support for each other as a whole. The Black Panther’s were supporting the Gay movement, the women were supporting the gay movement, the gay movement was supporting the women’s movement. Everyone was supporting each other and everyone was marching and protesting.

And you could be I’m black and I’m proud, I’m gay and I’m proud, I AM WOMAN, and nobody could fuck with any of us. There was a solidarity, there was a freedom.

The young people took over America and said we have no problems with Gay people , there’s no problem with women, there’s no problem with black people.

Things began to change when Reagan began as president and 25 Years later aids hit.
Everyone went back into the closet and that was the worst thing that could happen in this country because our country was about to become a truly liberated world and America was about to really fulfill its promise of equality of all people because that is where it was going.

There was a good chance that 25 years ago that gay marriage would have been legalized already. I was married in a church in 1976 and it was no thing and people were getting married all over the place. So now I say damn what is all this controversy about.

On one hand you say that gay people are promiscuous because they are having all of this sex. Yet the government will not allow gays to get married so that they can have legalized committed relationships, so the conundrum is something that has been created by this society that you can’t get married so, therefore every time you have sex it is fornication because I’m not married. But you won’t let me be married.

Who’s the idiot? It is as stupid as George Bush not sending his two daughters to war.

Stephen: Do You have any hope for the political climate in the future?

Stanley: Yes, Absolutely, I happen to think that young people are going to elect Barack Obama. As much as I admire to a degree the sharpton’s, the Jesse Jackson’s and all of those people of almost and irrelevant generation, that the new generation has to take over.

Jesse and Al had their place and they had their time. It’s time to move on. Nothing against them but they are elder statesman and that is where they should. Right now I think that the hope of this country is Barack Obama. He will unify this country and not only will he unify this country he will unify the world. After the pittiest situation that is George W Bush where he has made us enemies all across the world, we need someone who can go internationally and show that America is still a compassionate country

In my opinion the only person that can do that is Barack Obama, Hillary can’t do it because of the hate factors, the old school factors, also the factor of the dynasty here and we are not a country of dynasties. Since 1992 this country has been ruled by a Bush or a Clinton. That is to close to royalty and it is time to get rid of that and get some fresh blood.

I think that the ticket is Obama, Edwards and I won’t even say they fact that they are just as cute as they want to be. LOL

You send those two out there to the world and we will retain our position in the world as the compassionate leaders of freedom…… again represented by these two men.

Even if it wasn’t Obama, I would have to go with Edwards and I love Hillary ….
and I thought before Edwards and Obama got into the Race it was Hillary….. Hillary diva #1.

But now my thought are that she looks really old and tired and traditional and old school compared to what needs to happen in 2008. We are barely into 2007 and she looks old and tired so by this time next year comes around she is going to look like hiccabah.

Stephen: So translate that into the black gay community. What do you feel needs to happen to evolve the black gay community?

Stanley: We have to start learning the lessons of some of our non- contributory older folks and we need to stop complaining about the spilt milk. Wipe up the fuckin’ milk! Solutions! It’s all about solutions.

We are a grand proud people. We are a grand proud culture. So why are we not emphasizing that.

Who Is Nathan Seven Scott?

I had been following the life of Nathan Scott ever since he had the now defunct Gotnathan.com. I’m a fag hag at best so there is no shame in my game. But I’ve always thought Nathan to be a very interesting character. I remember the first time I met Nathan, it was at a charity event that he was hosting at the Gay & Lesbian Center in New York City. There he was in all his royal splendor, bouncing around talking to everyone and running the show. The bake-sale styled event went over quite well as everyone was pleased and entertained.

Nathan is a man of many talents, he produced and co-wrote a one man show called Blacklight about 6 years ago, my how time flies. It was this show that put Nathan Scott on the Black Gay map in New York. Nathan was able to command his audience, making them laugh and cry. Now that’s talent!

Today Nathan Scott has become SEVEN, a man of many faces, talents and personalities. I recently begged Nathan for an interview after reading an article written about him in CLIK Magazine. I wondered why no one bothered to write or blog about him prior to now (check out his answer later in this interview).

We met in midtown. Nathan told me that he’s always wanted to be interviewed in a hotel lobby. Hey I’m easy so I went with it. Plus it’s different, and it’s Nathan Seven Scott! He arrived just shortly after 4pm wearing a pair of Gucci shades, a black shirt and a pair of jeans. Not too flashy just enough.

TW: Nathan, it’s great to finally get a chance to sit with you and talk shop.

NS: Tiffany, girl you know it’s long overdue.

TW: So where do we start?

NS: I don’t know this is your thing, for once I am the interviewee so ask away.

TW: Can I get personal?

NS: Sure, I would much rather focus on my professional life and not too much about my sexuality. People get enough of that, they know who I am, I don’t really hide anything about myself. I think. (He smiles with a slight roll of the eyes.)

TW: So, how’s Jared?

NS: Jared is fine. We aren’t going to talk about my relationship with Jared either Tiffany. I don’t think people really want to know more about that right now. If so they can pick up the last copy of CLIK, it’s all written in black and white.

TW: Are you being shady Nathan, or should I call you Seven?

NS: Nathan is fine. No it’s not shade, it’s the truth. I’m sure we will be asked about our relationship over and over again but I don’t want this interview to be about that.

TW: Okay. I got you. So let’s talk about your online magazine. It’s become very popular to what do you owe it’s success?

NS: Popular. I guess. You know, I can honestly say that I had no idea that I would reach over 5000 people every month but somehow the word has gotten out there about my magazine. People have told me that they enjoy it because of the graphics and my FLAWLESS boys.

TW: I love FLAWLESS, how did you come up with that concept?

NS: Hmm. I don’t remember. Actually, yes. I few years ago I wanted to do a calendar. I was working with my partner at the time Kevin Scott on HOMME 2004. I hired a photographer to shoot the models and I remember him not giving me exactly what I wanted with the output. He always wanted to inject his ideas and I felt since I was paying him, he should do what I asked. Not the case, so I remember purchasing my own camera the following year and asking a few friends to pose for me and FLAWLESS was born. I had been listening to the PATIENCE album by George Michael and song number 7 on the album is titled FLAWLESS so I went with that and it’s been a staple ever since.

TW: Wow, that’s impressive. All of your models have been very attractive. How do you find them?

NS: In the beginning, many of them were friends of mine and then people started coming to me to photograph them and since I do this because I enjoy it, I take on a new challenge with every month. I also enjoy doing the graphics to the photos, that’s the highlight for me. It makes me feel good knowing that I created that and people are enjoying the view.

TW: So, I know that you are a producer as well, what exactly do you produce?

NS: Well let’s see. I blame Nathan H. Williams for me becoming a producer. There I was minding my own business and he up and tells me about a script written by Maurice Jamal, called Dirty Laundry. I took some time and read over the script and told Nathan that I’d be willing to bet on him because I knew he would do his absolute best to make this movie a big success. So that’s when I became a producer. Since then I’ve taken that title and ran with it.

TW: You also produce parties in New York City correct?

NS: Yes, I currently produce the hottest Tuesday night party in the city, along with Nathan Williams and Yamil X. The party is called Got2b(2)@OCEAN. It’s an urban-latin hip-hop party. There is no other party quite like it. I also produce a monthly party with James Saunders, Fred Pierce, Lee Soulja, Ricky Day and Charles Jackson called MEN ARE FROM MARS. This party also has it’s own unique flavor. We have branded it to be the largest party for black gay men. Expect big things from this party.

TW: Okay. So, now let’s talk about The & Show. How did that come about?

NS: It’s so funny answering these questions because you know the answers to them. Anyway, (as he rares back in his chair laughing out loud, neighboring patrons glance over), so what did you ask me. Just kidding. The & Show, well it’s the online once a week show that I produce with my partner Jared Shuler. It came about because I was bored with what’s on TV and what’s available to black gay men. We don’t have an outlet where our voice is heard. We are forced to listen to everybody else talk about the problems they have in relationships or the problems they have finding dates or their fashion tips and the list goes on but where is OUR platform? We didn’t have one so I created one and it’s been working.

TW: I love the show. I watch it every Monday. So do you have plans on creating another show?

NS: I don’t have time to think about another show right now. I’m trying to get The & Show noticed by somebody, anybody!

TW: Do you think people are ready for you guys?

NS: I know people aren’t ready for us. You should see some of the emails we get. I swear people who tune in to our show take some of the things we say personally as if we are speaking directly to them. I wish people would watch the show for what it’s worth. We are just having a conversation between the two of us and in some cases talking to a special guest. But are people ready for anything?

TW: Can we talk about your love life for a minute?

NS: You are skating on thin ice. What do you want to know?

TW: Are you in love?

NS: Yes.

TW: Is that it?

NS: Yes. I told you I didn’t want to talk about it. I’m in love with what I do. I spend more time with my computer and my thoughts than I do with any man honestly. I don’t expect a man to bring me happiness. I have to find happiness on my own. I find happiness in my work. I don’t mind because at the end of the day that’s really all I’m going to end up with anyway. MY WORK. A man can leave at any time, we have no control over that. At least I have comfort in knowing that my work and my creative mind won’t desert me.

TW: Wow! Those are some really powerful statements. Do you think other men feel that way?

NS: It’s not just men. I think people in general are self-absorbed. It’s pretty unfair to expect someone else to enter your life. Learn you. Love you for all of your flaws and then try to figure out what makes you tick. That’s a lot of work and most people in this day and age don’t have that type of time to invest, that’s why so many relationships fail. People want instant happiness and that doesn’t exist.

TW: What would you do if you had a million dollars?

NS: Spend it.

TW: On what?

NS: Girl, I don’t know give me a million dollars and I will let you know. I hate when people ask that question and they aren’t sitting in front of me with a check book. I’ve been asked that question at least 10 times in my lifetime and all I can say is that I would spend it. I’m surely not going to just look at it. (Nathan gives me an evil smirk).

TW: Your big day is fastly approaching, Saturday, July 7^th, 2007. Are you excited?

NS: You know, I have obsessed about something magical happening on 07.07.07 and I had absolutely no idea it would be an engagement party. About a year ago I was having a conversation with my friend and Editor in Chief of UNeQ Magazine Raymonde Green and we were saying something big had to happen on that day. It’s amazing how the universe works, I don’t know what to expect but I’m sure the event will be FLAWLESS!

TW: Are you expecting a lot of people?

NS: Yes and No. The event will be semi-exclusive because the space is meant to be intimate, but I feel like once people find out about it, they will want to be there just to see what we have planned. The event is being hosted by someone who has fastly become one of my favorite people, Mr. R. Isaac. He’s an incredible man who believes in my vision and so I’m really blessed to know him.

TW: One last question for you Mr. Scott. Do you think that you are misunderstood?

NS: Oh gosh what prompted that question? I think most people feel that they are misunderstood. I mean just look at us all going through life wanting people to get who we are. I will admit to being a complex individual. I’m an only child. I tend to enjoy playing solo rather than socializing, contrary to popular belief. I am more reserved that most people think. My persona on the show is not who I am all the time in person. Sometimes I have to turn it off. I am a home body. I’m married to my computer I keep trying to tell you.

TW: I have so many more things to ask you but I’ll save them for the next interview.

NS: Thanks. There will always be something for me to talk about. Trust me!

Do Gays Have an American Dream?

I was speaking with a good friend the other day about having children someday. He told me that he wanted to have kids but his lover of 5 years wasn't interested. I thought to myself, will he not be able to fulfill on his "Gay American Dream"?

Are gay men often times deprived of living the American Dream just because of our sexuality? One challenge that the black gay community has is the ability to start and maintain relationships. I've often questioned why is it that there are so few black couples. I'm speaking from my experience in New York City. I don't know what the general consensus is in other cities but in New York, long term relationships are hard to come by. One of the reasons I've discovered is a lack of communication. Black men don't know how to talk to one another. And it doesn't start with romantic relationships, it starts with basic friendships. In this community, I've found that we do not know how to talk to one another in a positive way. At any given moment, you can step into a situation where gay men congregate and find one reading or putting down another. And the question is why? Why is it that we feel the need to make ourselves look better while putting someone else down?

SHADE is such learned behavior in our community. We learn it when we first hit the pavement down the gay road. Depending on how and where you come out, often times we are introduced to SHADE very early in our gay lives. We are subjected to gay men who first of all don't love and respect themselves so, they pass on the hurts and heartaches they've lived through to the next generation of gay men. Have you ever stopped and thought about the real reason behind why we judge each other and put each other down? Do you ever question why the need to identify another man as SHE, GIRL or BITCH? Why is it that when we see another man sashay we are automatically disgusted saying things like: "oh child she's a lady", or "i thought she was trade, she's actually a twister." At what point did what's clearly A MAN, become a SHE? Saying that we are anything less than a man is such a put down, I don't care how you spin it. We are all MEN and should be treated as such. What happens is, the minute we identify each other as anything other than MEN we treat each other with disrespect. Think about the last time you saw someone you found attractive and discovered that he was effeminate. You instantly had no interest in getting to know another human being because you were no longer attracted to or interested in having sex with him. That is our problem. We write each other off way too soon!. We say that we are a part of a community, but we don't commune.

I've spoken to a few white couples. I've listened to the stories they tell of how they met. I've listened to them talk about their travels and the homes they've purchased together. I've listened to some talk about adopting a child. Now don't get me wrong, I am in no way saying that white gay men are any better than we are but their conversations are much different. When was the last time you dated someone long enough to the point where you opened a joint checking account? It's very likely that it won't happen, why? Because we don't trust each other that much. When was the last time you had a conversation with your boyfriend about investing in property? The conversation missing in our community is BUILDING. we live in a day and age where we should know how to combine our income and resources to create better lives for ourselves.

I was recently having a conversation with my mother and I told her something that really saddened her to hear. It's a conversation that many may have entertained but have not said it out loud. I told my mother that I'd much rather play hard and die young than to grow old. I mean think about it for a minute. Take my situation for example. I am an only child with a small family from which is somewhat estranged. By the time I'm 65 years old, there is a great chance that my mother will no longer be with me or in a nursing home somewhere. I have no children or grandchildren. If I am not with a significant other at that time then I will most likely be alone. It's likely I will end up in a gay nursing home around a bunch of queens that I don't much care for (see there, subconsciously I went there). Is that what I have to look forward to? Will I have to live in a community where some new virus is running rampant and everyone is popping viagra still trying to get a nut? I pray to God that isn't what my future looks like but the reality is, that's how it appears right now.

So the question I propose to you is... WHAT IS THE GAY AMERICAN DREAM? How do you see your future as a black gay man? Is it bright or is it bleak?

The Miseducation of the Bitter Faggot

It was a chilly June night, the clock had just struck twelve and I was laying in an empty bed alone on a Saturday. I tossed and turned for forty-five minutes trying not to cry myself to sleep for the third night in a row. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get a decent night’s sleep? My mind was clouded with purple thoughts of retiring for good, something that I’m sure many have thought about and still do. I am no longer ashamed to admit that I sometimes just don’t want to be here anymore. Here in New York City. Here on this planet. I often times have morbid thoughts of the world blowing up just so that I don’t have to live in it anymore. To kill myself would be insane, this I am aware of so those thoughts I allow to seep from my selfish mind.

I have become a bitter faggot. But why has it come to this? I know why. I’ve lived and learned in a world where I have constantly had to prove myself. I have lived in a world where I seek validation around every corner. I’ve lived in a world where smiling friends are really blood sucking leeches. I have lived in a world where being who I am just isn’t enough. I have become a bitter faggot. I recently read a book called The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs. The book dissects the ins and outs of growing up gay in a straight world. Since starting the book, I couldn’t put it down. This page turner was filled with stories and glimpses into the lives of other gay men much like myself. I thought I was the only one who considered suicide while living under this unforgiving rainbow. All my life I’ve felt the need to prove something. I’ve tried to prove that I matter. I’ve tried to prove that I am just as worthy to be loved and adored as the next man.

I knew at an early age that I was different. When I discovered that I was different I did everything I could to outshine all of those around me. I became competitive. I became the star student. I became the class clown. I developed a wicked sense of humor. I became bitter and I didn’t even realize it. My hands began to tremble as I try to get the words from my brain to this page. Sweat drips from my underarms as I am even fearful of publishing it but I refuse to go unheard yet again.

As I look at my life, I realize that I am truly blessed. I have a wonderful and loving mother who has done nothing but embrace me. I remember coming out to my mother on a hot July day just before she dropped me off to work. I hinted around that someone we both knew very well was gay. She playfully asked, “who son, who?” Just before opening the car door I told her that it was me. That had to be one of the most difficult days of my life. I later learned that she sat in the parking lot for thirty minutes crying and praying to God that I was joking but alas, I wasn’t. It took years for me to establish the relationship that I now have with my mother. I now have a relationship that allows me to call on her and share with her the ups and downs of being a black gay man. Many gay men can’t say that they have this level of comfort with their moms. I’ve developed the type of relationship with my mother that allows me to share with her the relationships with the men that I date without fear of judgment. I know that my mother would have liked to have what the world would consider to be a “normal” child, but God obviously had other plans. Sure it would be nice to have a family that embraces me authentically and unconditionally. I would love to father a child with a woman so that at Christmas he or she could play with their loving cousins. That’s a life that I will most likely never see because, I’ve become a bitter faggot.

I’m tired of competing. I’m tired of so called friends taking credit for my ideas. I’m tired of people to telling lies around me and sit in wonderment as to if they’ve ever lied to me. Why do we steal from each other? Why do we so few and far between reach out and offer help? Why do we introduce each other to unsafe sex practices and recreational drugs? Why are we so unforgiving? These questions continue to race through my mind. I remember the day that I was introduced to “designer” drugs. I asked myself, was the person who popped that pill into my mouth really my friend? Was the person who introduced me to sex clubs really concerned about my well being? Sure the times had were fun but they led to destructive behavior and a lifestyle that I couldn’t keep up with. There was no way in the world that I would have guessed that I’d become addicted to a “feeling”, but I did. My life was spinning out of control. I would use drugs as an excuse to get away from all of the aforementioned things. I figured that the drugs would love me where nobody else did. It was a dirty little secret that haunted me for quite some time. The drugs helped me to become even more BITTER now that I recollect.

I don’t want to wear fake smiles anymore, it hurts. I don’t want to hug anymore, it hurts. I don’t want to clink glasses anymore, it hurts. I don’t want to bend over anymore, it hurts. I don’t even want to laugh anymore, because it too hurts.

Boys in the Woods

Thanks to Gary English, Michael Robinson and the staff at POCC in Brooklyn, New York City’s top promoters were able to have a meeting of the minds to plan for a more exciting future for Black Gay New York. It was a warm May afternoon when Brooklyn bar owners Calvin (Langston’s) & William (The Chocolate Bar), celebrity bartender (Lloyd), The Hot Boyz (Rich & Raheem), Mike Haynes-Ebony & Dray Ebony, Derrick L. Briggs, Ken & Kevin (Langston’s), Rodney (First Fridays) and yours truly, loaded a bus and headed north for four days.

The bus pulled up in front of POCC about 15 minutes before our departure time. Everyone scattered for their last minute snacks, liquor and whatever else they needed for this retreat to Lake George, New York. After a four-hour drive we pulled in to The Sagamore, a beautiful resort tucked away in the mountains of Lake George. As we grabbed our things and disembarked from the bus, Sagamore staff greeted us and took our names and bags to our rooms. We then entered a historic white house were we picked up our card keys and paid for incidentals. Our appetites were satiated with fresh fish, chicken, salads (pasta & green), vegetables and yes… DESSERT!

My stomach was full so I headed back to my room to rest and allow my food to digest. Besides it was getting late and I wanted to be fresh for our first day of this empowerment seminar. The temperature had dropped significantly so it was a little brisk at night. I lucked out and ended up with a room to myself so I was able to let my hair down and walk around naked. I lounged across my bed and watched Heroes. Unbeknownst to me, my peers were all gathering at the bar having cocktails. I was later advised that I was being anti-social for missing the bonding session. I was drained from the bus ride and I really wanted to enjoy a good night’s rest in the comfortable king-sized bed.

I woke up bright and early because I wanted to dive right into what was in store. I took a hot, 20-minute shower, got dressed and headed to the conference center. It was chilly and a bit damp out but the scenery was breath taking. It was great getting out of the city. The air was fresh and I could hear sounds very nostalgic of my country upbringing in Augusta, Georgia. As I walked into the conference center I was greeted by the smell of fresh bacon, fresh baked pastries and coffee. The wait staff smiled and provided everything I needed. There was orange juice, cranberry juice and even tomato and pineapple juices! The spread was LAID OUT!

Evelyn, a very knowledgeable woman who stood about 5’5”, and weighed about 120 pounds, with locked hair and an infectious laugh, greeted us into the seminar. She was to be our fearless leader for the next few days. She was the one who created paradigms for us to cause shifts in. She was the one who made us sit face to face and have what was called “Straight Talk”. Under her leadership we were able to come together and set standards for how to create a better New York for the Black Gay Community.

On this day Fred Pierce and James Saunders, who drove up the night before, joined us. It’s amazing what a little communication can do to enhance relationships. Things were said and brought up that happened years ago and I had no idea that it was being held onto. However, through this work, we were able to put our differences aside to create common goals for our future. Some of our goals were to make New York City the #1 hot spot for Black Gay Entertainment and Night Life. We also want to lower the percentage rate for the spread of HIV with more outreach. We hope to expose the community to things that are culturally based so that it’s not just about “THE PARTY”. We as men have so much more to offer, we just don’t have the outlets and we don’t show up in large numbers to events where we can’t pick up a date.

The night before we were to head back to New York, we all gathered in Michael’s room for some libations and conversations. We ended up playing “dirty hearts”. If you have ever played this game, you know where it can end up depending on the players. For the most part I managed to escape some questions, however, I was caught twice with hearts. The game was fun; it showed that we all have that human side to us. I think what happens is that people take party promoters for granted, in that they think that’s all we do. Never mind the fact that we have to be present at the parties each week, we have to make sure that the word is out there about the party to assure a decent crowd and the list goes on. After that evening, I felt closer to my peers and ready to create a better tomorrow.

The next morning I woke up with a slight hangover, I swear three drinks do it every time! I wanted to be sure to have a full breakfast since my next meal wouldn’t happen until I got back into the city. These last few hours were crucial to complete the four days. We needed to walk away with a plan. How did we plan to execute our goals? The reason we were brought to this place. It was clear that once we all got back to the city, we would get wrapped up into our regular lives again. We each committed to doing our best to make a difference. Only time will tell what these powerful black men can and will accomplish so with that said…. IT’S ON! New York is on the RISE!

KUTTINEDGEONLINE.COM log on TODAY!

Stephen Andrieux, a New York-based entrepreneur recently launched his long awaited webzine, kuttinedgeonline.com. After three years of development, Kuttinedgeonline.com has been met with great reviews and membership to the developing site and is growing everyday. The site recently celebrated its 500th member. A great accomplishment for an idea that has been met with cynicism that all the black gay community is about is Sex, Flamboyancy and HIV.

When we asked Steve why he took on such a project he explained to us that this site was developed because of the many conversations he had with friends and acquaintances complaining about their website experiences. Although, met with some adversity that the site would be successful, he decided that it was worth the effort to support the community by providing positive representation of what it is to be black and gay in a world that still has a hard time accepting the people let alone what is considered to be a lifestyle.

“All I ever see is porn.”, “I want something that I can relate to.”, “ I want to see images of real men and women doing positive things.” Where are our leaders?”

Over and over he heard the same comments and he put people to the challenge. “Well, why do you do something about it he would say” and that is where it got silent.

Those conversations and experiences is what prompted him to pull together Kuttinedge. A website that helps empower, inform, educate, build pride, develop stronger bonds and relationships, and uplift the African American Gay community.

The site features many sections including News and Editorials, Profiles on people making a difference in the community, Health and Fitness section, Advice and Articles that will chronicle positive and negative aspects of relationships, Entertainment, Nightlife, Networking and an amazing Online Shopping Experience. Steve is calling this site the people’s site and giving them a voice. An opportunity for them to share a part of themselves and to let the world know that there is strength in our numbers and that we can indeed support each other.

The site led by Stephen Andrieux and Mathew Raoul, is well on its journey of becoming the place to go to for information and resources. Kuttinedgeonline.com will also feature a new online philanthropy PROJECT EDGE geared towards raising funds to aid in supporting the gay – African American community at large. PROJECT EDGE will try to dispel the myth that the “ THE BLACKS DON”T GIVE” THEY DON”T SUPPORT THEIR OWN COMMUNITY!” Project Edge will award grants to organization and individual looking to make a difference, award scholarships, raise funds to aid in the fight against aids, and donate funds to organizations that help support the gay African- American population. One dollar of each Monthly paid membership ($9.95) will be donated to Project Edge to help build the bench towards supporting the community.

If your are interested in becoming a part of the experience Kuttinedge is currently looking for contributors who have a unique and Kuttinedge perspective on being BGLT. In addition they have been on a mission to contract with people in the community who have products such as books and music, clothing, jewelry that need a vehicle to get the word out about their product or service Kuttinedge has given upcoming author’s, such as Orean Chatman and Kevin E. Taylor, as well as bring feature programming such as Nathan “Seven” Scott and Jared Shuler’s, The & Show.

When you get a chance check out the site @ www.kuttinedgeonline.com let them know what you think.