Do Gays Have an American Dream?

I was speaking with a good friend the other day about having children someday. He told me that he wanted to have kids but his lover of 5 years wasn't interested. I thought to myself, will he not be able to fulfill on his "Gay American Dream"?

Are gay men often times deprived of living the American Dream just because of our sexuality? One challenge that the black gay community has is the ability to start and maintain relationships. I've often questioned why is it that there are so few black couples. I'm speaking from my experience in New York City. I don't know what the general consensus is in other cities but in New York, long term relationships are hard to come by. One of the reasons I've discovered is a lack of communication. Black men don't know how to talk to one another. And it doesn't start with romantic relationships, it starts with basic friendships. In this community, I've found that we do not know how to talk to one another in a positive way. At any given moment, you can step into a situation where gay men congregate and find one reading or putting down another. And the question is why? Why is it that we feel the need to make ourselves look better while putting someone else down?

SHADE is such learned behavior in our community. We learn it when we first hit the pavement down the gay road. Depending on how and where you come out, often times we are introduced to SHADE very early in our gay lives. We are subjected to gay men who first of all don't love and respect themselves so, they pass on the hurts and heartaches they've lived through to the next generation of gay men. Have you ever stopped and thought about the real reason behind why we judge each other and put each other down? Do you ever question why the need to identify another man as SHE, GIRL or BITCH? Why is it that when we see another man sashay we are automatically disgusted saying things like: "oh child she's a lady", or "i thought she was trade, she's actually a twister." At what point did what's clearly A MAN, become a SHE? Saying that we are anything less than a man is such a put down, I don't care how you spin it. We are all MEN and should be treated as such. What happens is, the minute we identify each other as anything other than MEN we treat each other with disrespect. Think about the last time you saw someone you found attractive and discovered that he was effeminate. You instantly had no interest in getting to know another human being because you were no longer attracted to or interested in having sex with him. That is our problem. We write each other off way too soon!. We say that we are a part of a community, but we don't commune.

I've spoken to a few white couples. I've listened to the stories they tell of how they met. I've listened to them talk about their travels and the homes they've purchased together. I've listened to some talk about adopting a child. Now don't get me wrong, I am in no way saying that white gay men are any better than we are but their conversations are much different. When was the last time you dated someone long enough to the point where you opened a joint checking account? It's very likely that it won't happen, why? Because we don't trust each other that much. When was the last time you had a conversation with your boyfriend about investing in property? The conversation missing in our community is BUILDING. we live in a day and age where we should know how to combine our income and resources to create better lives for ourselves.

I was recently having a conversation with my mother and I told her something that really saddened her to hear. It's a conversation that many may have entertained but have not said it out loud. I told my mother that I'd much rather play hard and die young than to grow old. I mean think about it for a minute. Take my situation for example. I am an only child with a small family from which is somewhat estranged. By the time I'm 65 years old, there is a great chance that my mother will no longer be with me or in a nursing home somewhere. I have no children or grandchildren. If I am not with a significant other at that time then I will most likely be alone. It's likely I will end up in a gay nursing home around a bunch of queens that I don't much care for (see there, subconsciously I went there). Is that what I have to look forward to? Will I have to live in a community where some new virus is running rampant and everyone is popping viagra still trying to get a nut? I pray to God that isn't what my future looks like but the reality is, that's how it appears right now.

So the question I propose to you is... WHAT IS THE GAY AMERICAN DREAM? How do you see your future as a black gay man? Is it bright or is it bleak?