THE SHADOW: on & on

on and on, but lesson learned...

"oh my my my i'm feelin high my money's gone i'm all alone..." ---- e. badu

sometimes, you just have to look in the mirror, laugh at yourself and say, "you stupid bitch!"

i recently got myself into a situation in which i ignored my friends and, on some level, my conscience and more intelligent self. as i am new to "the life" as some would call it, and definitely new to dating, i'm a bit naive when it comes to dealing with men involved in the lifestyle. knowing rejection just as billie holiday knows heartache has left me a little desperate in my quest for my boo; and as a result, if you even turn my way and wink at me, you'll prolly have me following you around for a good 10 minutes. but don't worry, I'm working on that...

however, until i defeat that demon, i'm at the whim of those who pay me attention. case in point: my current, or most recent situation- a phyne and sexy young man henceforth to be known as smoke stack. I met smoke stack (so called due to the amount of "get-right" he consumes, and thus now has me consuming) online, and after the usual bout of back and forth emails, we decided to meet up for conversation, booze, get-right, etc.

i reached his apartment, at which he smoked me under the table and engaged me in conversation ranging from music to movies to politics and more. i was twitterpated from the jump. a phyne and sexy black man who could roll a blunt, hold a conversation and actually liked me? WHAT? it was a wrap. and then the phone rang...

smoke stack: "hello?"
caller: *words i'm not hearing*
smoke stack: "oh hold on one second." excuse me for just a minute. *walks the fuck away*

so i'm left sitting on the couch, high as whitney on crack, weed, bobby, life, watching God knows what on tv, with an impending hard-on in my pants, and diminishing patience. not a good look. smoke stack, 5 minutes later, comes back into the living room, and the following words spout from his mouth.

"ummm... there's a guy coming over for a massage in 20 minutes..."

excuse me?? homosaywhat??

Turns out that as a way to supplement his income, smoke stack engages in how u say... "personal favors" [read: HE A ESCORT, Y'ALL!]. now i had a decision to make. i could either take my "get yo ass off of craiglist and find a man with an edu-ma-cation" advice that my mama gave me; or follow the direction in which my high was taking me.

I made the wrong decision. again... there was an impending hard-on involved. so i took the "maybe he'll have me singin 'whatever' like jill scott when i wake up in the morning" advice that the insecure, rejection-prone freak inside me was screaming.

Long story short: it's been a month and i now find myself sitting at home, logged into match.com, repeatedly singing, instead, the first 4 phrases of erykah badu's "on and on."

*looks in the mirror and laughs..."you stupid bitch!"*

"can you loan me $20 til i get my check next week..."
angie stone (featuring smoke stack)