THE SHADOW: Never Knew Love

On the way to work I saw 2 birds coo-ing in the trees
I sighed
Walking through the park I saw two midgets playing "birds and the bees"
I died
My inbox contained an email from "Paul_studying_Law"
I sighed
But when I read the words, "Hey cute smile- I wanna fuck you raw..."
I cried

These days I seem to be “wookin pa nub” in all the wrong places. I don't know what it is, but every guy out there seems to have some freak quality about him. If I get one more email containing the same or similar messages as the aforementioned; or meet one more guy with that same mentality, I'm gonna take a hostage. And yet, on a daily basis I find myself logging in and asking for more.

I am a hopeless romantic and always have been, but I feel like that is quickly deteriorating because I'm not meeting anyone who is the same. I've never been in love. Nor have I ever been in a relationship. Maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe I'm trying too wrong. All I know is that I'm smart, eclectic, fun and attractive, but I tend to attract guys who are dumb as top soil, one sided, and who just wanna turn me out and, well... fuck me raw. None of which I'm tryin to do right now.

Today, as I was perusing through a friend's blog, I read a paragraph about how he and his boyfriend spent some time together over the weekend watching TV and falling asleep. I found myself with an odd feeling. IM-ing with a friend, I later found my answer. "You're jealous of their relationship." he was right. I long for a relationship of my own. I see people everywhere who are (seemingly) happily in love these days, and I shoot them that old evil eye. Am I not deserving? Am I not worthy of love? Have I done something in the past that I am being punished for? - because all I'm gettin' is bullshit. And I'm not trying to be mean or cruel by any means, but the other day walking down the street I saw two of the most unattractive people kissing and holding hands and I was like "Oh, COME ON!!!!"

I often wonder what love feels like. you hear the word or something related to it on a daily basis; and yet, when it comes to describing it one often finds difficulty. Is it like the feeling you get sitting next to a crackling fire on a cold day? Or perhaps that feeling you get when your favorite song plays on your ipod shuffle? Maybe it's like the feeling of blood flowing through your veins right after that second puff? I don't know… but I wanna find out. And I'm not just looking for the "happy" love, either. I want it all. The holding hands, the kissing, the arguing, the fighting, the making up, the idiosyncrasies, the vices, the peace, the tranquility, the truth- everything! I'm pretty new to the scene and haven't experienced much of anything; but love has been the one thing that I anticipate experiencing the most- because it's the one thing that's everywhere.

I know love will find me one day, and I must be patient; but that is a hard thing to do. So, I will continue to sit perched at my computer, or stand perusing a crowd a the club until that one day when I meet someone who is deserving (and willing) to go on the ride of his life and be with the love of his life….. ME!