THE SHADOW: Starting Over

on starting over…the one thing that holds true for everyone on the planet is that we all have a past, a present and a future. whether our future is for the next 5 days, 5 years or 5 decades we're not sure… but a future exists for all of us. for most, however, we live in the present, but carry the trials and tribulations of our past into the future.

i used to be one of those people, but i have been very much awakened in the past few weeks. i took a seminar called the landmark forum, which forced me to look at my life, my persistent complaining, insecurities and my past, and face them head on. the idea behind the forum is that you cannot move on and grow into your future until you complete your past. i cried more during the weekend seminar than i have in the past 15 years of my life, and as a result, i am now free to create for myself any future that i wish free from the burdens of my past.

i walked into the seminar looking around for people in black robes anda table full of cups with red kool-aid, but instead, found a nice french woman standing at the front of the room welcoming the attendees to their future. little did i know, this french woman would soon break me down, tear me apart and change my life forever.

i decided to attend landmark under the guidance of my friend nathan seven scott, who advised me to take advantage of the seminar – "you'll get out of it, what you put in." as a result, when frenchie asked of the room,"why are you here?" i immediately raised my hand (not knowing i was going to be asked to go to the microphone to speak). i mentioned my insecurities and lack of confidence as the primary reason for taking this seminar. i wanted to rid myself of these things in order to move on with my life without fear.

before i knew it, i was being broken down and had my life handed to me like a hard kick in the ass. as i explained my insecurities, etc. her response was, "so, when did you decide that you were worthless?" excuse me? i never said that i thought i was worthless. "well, your words and explanations speak differently… how old were you when you decided that you were worthless?" dayum… she got me. i'll spare you the details of the conversation, but she essentially went through this "conversation" with everyone in the class.

the main focal point of this seminar was about "completing your past." we realized how much we complain about the people in our lives and the situations we find ourselves in. and further, how those complaints stem from our own issues with ourselves. think about it- when you complain about someone, it has absolutely nothing to do with them. it has to do with a problem you have about that person. they could careless. if i'm complaining that such and such is too slow or whatever; it has nothing to do with that person, but everything to do with my impatience. you feel me? think about some of the persistent complaints in your life- like REALLY think about them. what are they really about? are they actually about that person or thing, or are they about some problem you have in your own life that you are imposing onto someone else? i'll almost bet that it's the latter.

anyway, i realized that i was complaining way too much and for no reason whatsoever. we were challenged to call the people in our lives, share what we were experiencing as a result of taking the course and apologize to them not only for complaining about them, but also apologize for blaming them for the problems within our own lives. heavy, huh? i called my mom, dad, and several of my friends both past and present; as well as wrote letters to those whom i could not contact, and just purged myself of all of this unnecessary bullshit. bring on the tears.

the part of the course that i got the most out of and that was pretty much the pivotal moment of my transformation was an exercise in "being." everyone who knows me knows that i had a problem in social situations in terms of fear. i've always been too scared to go up to someone and say "HI", start a conversation or meet people in general. ihid it under the guise of being shy (which definitely wasn't the case), but in truth, i was just way too insecure and didn't believe in myself.

as a result of this exercise and the lessons i learned from the seminar in general, i'm free. not only from my fear, but from the past imposing itself onto my life and my future. if i were to walk into a bar or club right now, i'd be able to talk to anyone there- and that is a great feeling.

i can now start fresh - create a life for myself of living in the moment and doing things that make me happy. i'm living a life without fear, insecurity or complaints. and i must say, it feels fucking great! and i'm incredibly grateful. so to seven, i give you a truly heartfelt thank you! now that i'm set free, i'm almost a bit scared for the world cuz, um… y'all not ready for THE SHADOW. trust! tout est possible!