The SHADOW: On Luck in the People Pool
on luck in the people pool…
in a city like new york, where many, if not most of the black gay men are either on the dl, looking for white guys, or venturing into the latin arena; where does one attractive, intelligent, and successful young man meet an eligible, bachelor of the same caliber? apparently, our options are limited…
contradictory to the environment in which i was raised, i currently find myself frequenting bars and clubs primarily attended by black and latino gay men… and i'm lovin' it! the problem that i am running into, however, is that bars and clubs are not good places to meet minority gay men. you rarely, if ever, can have an actual conversation in a club; and 9 times out of 10, you're meeting a person's representative as opposed to their actual selves. in my experience, conversations (friendly, or otherwise) that i attempt to create in a bar or club never even get started unless the party i'm speaking to feels like i'll be of some use to him. that's pretty disgusting (as well as a whole other article). so bars and clubs are out…
where else should someone like me venture to have luck meeting people in the new york city pool of the urban gay successful and intelligent men? outside a bar or club i'm finding that there are very few, if any other options where gay men of color can meet. every other option that i have encountered has turned out to be something of a joke- book clubs where the novel in question hasn't been read by most in attendance; social events where upon attendance most people run straight to their cliques and never step out to encounter something new; or even birthday parties or get-togethers where everyone you talk to takes it upon themselves to react to you as if in your conversation, you are only trying to get into their pants.
and then there's online. what urban gay online site you know is not simply devoted (in reality as opposed to theoretically) to hooking up or having causal sex? now, i'm not counting myself out of this pool, as to do so would be hypocritical. i have profiles myself, and on occasion, make use of them in times when i'm feeling particularly vulnerable or lonely. however, i am truly looking for more. i am looking for friendship… and possibly even love.
in a city like new york, where many, if not most of the black gay men are either on the dl, looking for white guys, or venturing into the latin arena; where does one attractive, intelligent, and successful young man meet an eligible, bachelor of the same caliber? apparently, our options are limited…
contradictory to the environment in which i was raised, i currently find myself frequenting bars and clubs primarily attended by black and latino gay men… and i'm lovin' it! the problem that i am running into, however, is that bars and clubs are not good places to meet minority gay men. you rarely, if ever, can have an actual conversation in a club; and 9 times out of 10, you're meeting a person's representative as opposed to their actual selves. in my experience, conversations (friendly, or otherwise) that i attempt to create in a bar or club never even get started unless the party i'm speaking to feels like i'll be of some use to him. that's pretty disgusting (as well as a whole other article). so bars and clubs are out…
where else should someone like me venture to have luck meeting people in the new york city pool of the urban gay successful and intelligent men? outside a bar or club i'm finding that there are very few, if any other options where gay men of color can meet. every other option that i have encountered has turned out to be something of a joke- book clubs where the novel in question hasn't been read by most in attendance; social events where upon attendance most people run straight to their cliques and never step out to encounter something new; or even birthday parties or get-togethers where everyone you talk to takes it upon themselves to react to you as if in your conversation, you are only trying to get into their pants.
and then there's online. what urban gay online site you know is not simply devoted (in reality as opposed to theoretically) to hooking up or having causal sex? now, i'm not counting myself out of this pool, as to do so would be hypocritical. i have profiles myself, and on occasion, make use of them in times when i'm feeling particularly vulnerable or lonely. however, i am truly looking for more. i am looking for friendship… and possibly even love.
if anyone knows of any places to meet quality men of color- whether it be for friendship or perhaps even a relationship please let me know. and i'm talking about events where those in attendance are actually seeking friendships or relationships, and are not just there to promote themselves, hook up with someone, or just (poorly) convince themselves that they are better than everyone else.
maybe it's not an activities issue, but a "community" issue. hmmm. i'll have to ponder that one…
maybe it's not an activities issue, but a "community" issue. hmmm. i'll have to ponder that one…
Labels: The Shadow
posted by C.R. Knight on Thursday, March 01, 2007
2 Comments:
This was really a great piece. What I was most impressed with were the positive vibes of your words. Common practice among a certain number of black gay men is to verbally bash other black gay men by always finding fault and comparing their alleged short comings while trumpeting the qualities of white men.
I personally avoid the internet meeting spaces, preferring someone I can see face to face. The club or party scene, well, most of the black men in these places want even make eye contact with another man black man but will laugh and find the most inane comment by a perspective white partner amusing. In these same environments, black men who are ETHNIC Latinos tend to be too preoccupied with being lusted over by some white dude with a blatino fetish. Then, as you mentioned, there are the clicks etc.
There are some really good and proud gay men of African descent out there. But where does one find them? I can’t answer that question. What I do know is that those couples who have been together for 8,9, 10 years or more tend start out as genuine altruistic friends with similar interests outside the “gay scene” and a collective pride in being of African descent. Most have managed to see beyond the outside appearance, or, in some cases, chronological age, and see that special something identifying the other brotha as that special one.
I have no idea what to suggest. But if you find out, could you be a dear and clue us all in?
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