The SHADOW: On Angry Gay Men

i'm mad as hell, and i'm not gonna take it anymore…

i've come across quite a few people recently who have expressed their opinion to me that being gay makes them angry. really angry… some even feel that being gay is a curse.

i have to admit that for a long time, i was also of this same opinion. i mean, i feel that there comes a time in all of our lives when we realize just how difficult being gay really is - especially when we live in a society that, for the most part, values masculinity, the "laws" of marriage, and other stereotypes of the typical straight man and his or her relationship.

growing up, i remember having a very difficult time coping with the fact that i was gay. i was one of those individuals who never quite fit in. i was always a little bit different than the other students in school. not necessarily "obviously gay" different, but different nonetheless. i never much cared for the various sports teams gallivanting around campus; never became versed in the jargon of others in my generation, so to speak; and never took the time to get to know any of the females in said generation either. i had my own events, spoke my own language, and my few friends were company enough. i was fine.

and then one day, not particularly different from any other, i received that familiar look of disdain from a group of students passing my way in the hall. on a quick impulse i asked my best friend to go and find out why i, in their eyes, was so unworthy of any sort of civil communication [read: i asked her to find out why they hated me so much and treated me like shit]; cuz i couldn't get it. she returned with 5 simple, yet powerful words… "because they think you're gay."

that moment became incredibly significant in how i was to live the next 3 years of my life. those 5 words, i'm sure, rolled quite easily off the tongue of whoever said them, but they landed pretty damn hard in my head. as far as i was concerned, i was going to be hated and ostracized for the rest of my life due to the simple assumption that i was gay. no evidence, no confession, just an assumption. i knew for myself that i liked other guys, and had a general idea of what that meant for the world around me, but right then – it hit home. i was gay, everyone knew it, and i was to spend the rest of my life alone. that made me angry!

when i first entered college, i almost couldn't stand to be around gay people. the way they were so open with their sexuality—just flaunting it around as if it were normal. as if it didn't matter. it took me forever and a day to realize that it is normal—it doesn't matter. and my life has consistently gotten easier ever since. i grew to know and to accept that there may be certain things that i'd have to attain through other means… but i can attain them nonetheless. i can have a family with 2.5 kids, a dog and a cat. i can live in a house in the most distinguished of areas. i can be just as happy as any straight couple there ever existed- maybe even happier.

as far as i 'm concerned, gay guys and gals get to live lives that are way more fabulous than those of our straight counterparts. think of it. gay men and women everywhere are becoming trendsetters in just about everything you can possibly think of. the gay dollar is now worth more than that of some rather large cultures that inhabit this country. we have proven to the country, and in some ways, the world, that we are just as good, if not better than those who prefer people of the opposite sex. and that's all i need to know as far as inspiration is concerned. i no longer feel angry about the idea that as a gay man, i can't live up to anything. as a matter of fact… anything you can do, i can do better.

now, i fully understand that what worked for me will not work for many others. what made me angry about being a gay man could very well be something completely different than what made or makes you angry. the important thing is that you realize that your life was not given to you so that you can spend it angry and upset about something you absolutely had and continue to have no control over. find that thing that gives you inspiration and triumph over your anger at being gay and run with it. run as fast as you can. only then, can you give up what doesn't matter, and focus on what really does… your life!