The & Show: HIV

Remembering Dekenric

HIV POSITIVE - 08.01.07 -

BE SURE TO TUNE IN NEXT WEDNESDAY FOR

The & Show: George K. Jordan

PRIDE IN THE CITY WEEKEND!

MEN ARE FROM MARS IS BACK!!!

The & Show: Men on the DL

The & Show: Special Guest Curtis Davis

The Bitter Issue

It’s the 7th month of the 7th year. I have been anticipating the arrival of JULY 2007 for about 4 years now. This year is a transformational year. So much is going on, The Gays are taking the world by storm and finally stepping up and making our voices heard louder than ever. For the July 2007 issue I decided to explore something a little darker. We all have that dark side to us but many of us (Thank God) don’t show it. I don’t believe that people should show their darker sides because it really isn’t needed in the world. Can you imagine a world where everyone was evil and bitter? The world would be a terrifying place.

I have had a lot on my mind this year and some of the things I just didn’t feel ready to express until now. This issue is just a walk on that dark side, it is by no means who I am as a person. For many who know me, know that I am a giving person, kind-hearted and genuinely thankful for what I have and where I am in my life. This BITTER issue unravels and expresses those thoughts that I’ve allowed to lay dormant in my mind. I couldn’t take it anymore so I decided to UNLEASH the BITTERNESS and share it with you.

This month check out FLAWLESS model Eddie Carrington in God Made Me FLAWLESS. The Shadow returns with Angry Gay Men. Spiritually Speaking is a new column by David Albert Farmer Ph.D. Be sure to get your monthly inspiration.

As always, thank you for supporting The 7 Magazine. Don't forget to pass this site along to a friend.

Who Is Nathan Seven Scott?

I had been following the life of Nathan Scott ever since he had the now defunct Gotnathan.com. I’m a fag hag at best so there is no shame in my game. But I’ve always thought Nathan to be a very interesting character. I remember the first time I met Nathan, it was at a charity event that he was hosting at the Gay & Lesbian Center in New York City. There he was in all his royal splendor, bouncing around talking to everyone and running the show. The bake-sale styled event went over quite well as everyone was pleased and entertained.

Nathan is a man of many talents, he produced and co-wrote a one man show called Blacklight about 6 years ago, my how time flies. It was this show that put Nathan Scott on the Black Gay map in New York. Nathan was able to command his audience, making them laugh and cry. Now that’s talent!

Today Nathan Scott has become SEVEN, a man of many faces, talents and personalities. I recently begged Nathan for an interview after reading an article written about him in CLIK Magazine. I wondered why no one bothered to write or blog about him prior to now (check out his answer later in this interview).

We met in midtown. Nathan told me that he’s always wanted to be interviewed in a hotel lobby. Hey I’m easy so I went with it. Plus it’s different, and it’s Nathan Seven Scott! He arrived just shortly after 4pm wearing a pair of Gucci shades, a black shirt and a pair of jeans. Not too flashy just enough.

TW: Nathan, it’s great to finally get a chance to sit with you and talk shop.

NS: Tiffany, girl you know it’s long overdue.

TW: So where do we start?

NS: I don’t know this is your thing, for once I am the interviewee so ask away.

TW: Can I get personal?

NS: Sure, I would much rather focus on my professional life and not too much about my sexuality. People get enough of that, they know who I am, I don’t really hide anything about myself. I think. (He smiles with a slight roll of the eyes.)

TW: So, how’s Jared?

NS: Jared is fine. We aren’t going to talk about my relationship with Jared either Tiffany. I don’t think people really want to know more about that right now. If so they can pick up the last copy of CLIK, it’s all written in black and white.

TW: Are you being shady Nathan, or should I call you Seven?

NS: Nathan is fine. No it’s not shade, it’s the truth. I’m sure we will be asked about our relationship over and over again but I don’t want this interview to be about that.

TW: Okay. I got you. So let’s talk about your online magazine. It’s become very popular to what do you owe it’s success?

NS: Popular. I guess. You know, I can honestly say that I had no idea that I would reach over 5000 people every month but somehow the word has gotten out there about my magazine. People have told me that they enjoy it because of the graphics and my FLAWLESS boys.

TW: I love FLAWLESS, how did you come up with that concept?

NS: Hmm. I don’t remember. Actually, yes. I few years ago I wanted to do a calendar. I was working with my partner at the time Kevin Scott on HOMME 2004. I hired a photographer to shoot the models and I remember him not giving me exactly what I wanted with the output. He always wanted to inject his ideas and I felt since I was paying him, he should do what I asked. Not the case, so I remember purchasing my own camera the following year and asking a few friends to pose for me and FLAWLESS was born. I had been listening to the PATIENCE album by George Michael and song number 7 on the album is titled FLAWLESS so I went with that and it’s been a staple ever since.

TW: Wow, that’s impressive. All of your models have been very attractive. How do you find them?

NS: In the beginning, many of them were friends of mine and then people started coming to me to photograph them and since I do this because I enjoy it, I take on a new challenge with every month. I also enjoy doing the graphics to the photos, that’s the highlight for me. It makes me feel good knowing that I created that and people are enjoying the view.

TW: So, I know that you are a producer as well, what exactly do you produce?

NS: Well let’s see. I blame Nathan H. Williams for me becoming a producer. There I was minding my own business and he up and tells me about a script written by Maurice Jamal, called Dirty Laundry. I took some time and read over the script and told Nathan that I’d be willing to bet on him because I knew he would do his absolute best to make this movie a big success. So that’s when I became a producer. Since then I’ve taken that title and ran with it.

TW: You also produce parties in New York City correct?

NS: Yes, I currently produce the hottest Tuesday night party in the city, along with Nathan Williams and Yamil X. The party is called Got2b(2)@OCEAN. It’s an urban-latin hip-hop party. There is no other party quite like it. I also produce a monthly party with James Saunders, Fred Pierce, Lee Soulja, Ricky Day and Charles Jackson called MEN ARE FROM MARS. This party also has it’s own unique flavor. We have branded it to be the largest party for black gay men. Expect big things from this party.

TW: Okay. So, now let’s talk about The & Show. How did that come about?

NS: It’s so funny answering these questions because you know the answers to them. Anyway, (as he rares back in his chair laughing out loud, neighboring patrons glance over), so what did you ask me. Just kidding. The & Show, well it’s the online once a week show that I produce with my partner Jared Shuler. It came about because I was bored with what’s on TV and what’s available to black gay men. We don’t have an outlet where our voice is heard. We are forced to listen to everybody else talk about the problems they have in relationships or the problems they have finding dates or their fashion tips and the list goes on but where is OUR platform? We didn’t have one so I created one and it’s been working.

TW: I love the show. I watch it every Monday. So do you have plans on creating another show?

NS: I don’t have time to think about another show right now. I’m trying to get The & Show noticed by somebody, anybody!

TW: Do you think people are ready for you guys?

NS: I know people aren’t ready for us. You should see some of the emails we get. I swear people who tune in to our show take some of the things we say personally as if we are speaking directly to them. I wish people would watch the show for what it’s worth. We are just having a conversation between the two of us and in some cases talking to a special guest. But are people ready for anything?

TW: Can we talk about your love life for a minute?

NS: You are skating on thin ice. What do you want to know?

TW: Are you in love?

NS: Yes.

TW: Is that it?

NS: Yes. I told you I didn’t want to talk about it. I’m in love with what I do. I spend more time with my computer and my thoughts than I do with any man honestly. I don’t expect a man to bring me happiness. I have to find happiness on my own. I find happiness in my work. I don’t mind because at the end of the day that’s really all I’m going to end up with anyway. MY WORK. A man can leave at any time, we have no control over that. At least I have comfort in knowing that my work and my creative mind won’t desert me.

TW: Wow! Those are some really powerful statements. Do you think other men feel that way?

NS: It’s not just men. I think people in general are self-absorbed. It’s pretty unfair to expect someone else to enter your life. Learn you. Love you for all of your flaws and then try to figure out what makes you tick. That’s a lot of work and most people in this day and age don’t have that type of time to invest, that’s why so many relationships fail. People want instant happiness and that doesn’t exist.

TW: What would you do if you had a million dollars?

NS: Spend it.

TW: On what?

NS: Girl, I don’t know give me a million dollars and I will let you know. I hate when people ask that question and they aren’t sitting in front of me with a check book. I’ve been asked that question at least 10 times in my lifetime and all I can say is that I would spend it. I’m surely not going to just look at it. (Nathan gives me an evil smirk).

TW: Your big day is fastly approaching, Saturday, July 7^th, 2007. Are you excited?

NS: You know, I have obsessed about something magical happening on 07.07.07 and I had absolutely no idea it would be an engagement party. About a year ago I was having a conversation with my friend and Editor in Chief of UNeQ Magazine Raymonde Green and we were saying something big had to happen on that day. It’s amazing how the universe works, I don’t know what to expect but I’m sure the event will be FLAWLESS!

TW: Are you expecting a lot of people?

NS: Yes and No. The event will be semi-exclusive because the space is meant to be intimate, but I feel like once people find out about it, they will want to be there just to see what we have planned. The event is being hosted by someone who has fastly become one of my favorite people, Mr. R. Isaac. He’s an incredible man who believes in my vision and so I’m really blessed to know him.

TW: One last question for you Mr. Scott. Do you think that you are misunderstood?

NS: Oh gosh what prompted that question? I think most people feel that they are misunderstood. I mean just look at us all going through life wanting people to get who we are. I will admit to being a complex individual. I’m an only child. I tend to enjoy playing solo rather than socializing, contrary to popular belief. I am more reserved that most people think. My persona on the show is not who I am all the time in person. Sometimes I have to turn it off. I am a home body. I’m married to my computer I keep trying to tell you.

TW: I have so many more things to ask you but I’ll save them for the next interview.

NS: Thanks. There will always be something for me to talk about. Trust me!

FLAWLESS - July 2007 - Eddie Carrington

1. Tell me about yourself. where are you from? tell me about your family? I'm from "Upstate" New York, Liberty, New York to be exact; it's about about two hours Northwest from Manhattan. I was born in Yonkers, however I grew up in a small predominantly Jewish community. I feel the opportunities that I had growing up were available because of my community, however I know I could never live in a small town, with such a lack of diversity, like that ever again. I was the youngest of three children. I say was, because my sister passed away from cancer about ten years ago. We were a very tight knit family so I really miss her and my mother's company immensely. My mother passed away a year and a half after my sister. When adversity strikes it is imperative to push through the pain and come out on top. My sister was the first person that ever told me I could do modeling. If it wasn't for her, I probably wouldn't have been confident enough to do everything I've accomplished in life.

2. You have an amazing body. Were you born with it or did it take years of building it up? No, ninety-nine percent of the population with great bodies typically do "something" to maintain their physique. In my case I was always in sports growing up. When I graduated high school I excelled in track and football, and I was on the basketball team. I'll keep it real with you, I sat on the bench on our basketball team, but at least I made the team. I started running track in college, discovered weight lifting, and began taking dance very seriously. I'm still dancing and teaching class, and a few years ago I was internationally ranked on a trio team in Sports Aerobics. We were first in Nation and fourth in the World. It was an amazing time in my life.

3. If you had to choose (3) fast food places to dine where would you dine and why? Wow, aren't I supposed to lead people to believe I never eat fast food. Well, contrary to popular belief, that's an assumption, I do eat fast food, however I try not to eat it very often. I love Quiznos. I think they have the best hero sandwiches. Wendy's is good too! I don't go there that often, however, when their food is "fresh" and hot, I admit I really enjoy my dining experience there. For my third choice, which I rarely ever eat I guess I would say Kentucky Fried Chicken. I love chicken, call me stereotypical!!

4. What suggestions do you have for someone who wants to lose weight and start developing a better and healthier body? Set small incremental goals. Definitely have a long-term goal in mind, however if you set small goals and strive hard to accomplish those small goals then it makes the process of losing weight a lot more rewarding!!! Also, stay consistent and don't give up. It's very easy to loose sight of your goals when you don't accomplish them right away.

5. How do you deal with your frustrations and the craziness of this fast paced world? How do you handle depression? I don't know if I would use the adjective depressed. I do get down on myself and occasionally I feel stagnant. Everything around me seems to be progressing and I may be feeling steadfast and immobile. Fortunately, those moments don't happen very often, however, when I do find myself confronting those situations, I allow myself a moment to explore how I'm feeling. I don't like to run away from my emotions. I use my optimism and generally great attitude to persevere and break out of that slump!!

6. We all have had embarrassing moments. Tell me about one of your embarrassing moments. I was on the Cross Country Track team in high school. One of our activities was to do a ten mile run. Now if you remember I'm from the country so there are lots of trees, grass, and open space. I found myself, half way into the run having to pass gas, fart. Well, I was alone and there isn't anything around so who cares, well what I thought was a fart wasn't. I shit all over myself and still had about five miles to go to get back to the school. I got rid of the underwear, however, some of it had stained my shorts as well and I had to go back to the school, finish our workout, and get home. Running back to the school was absolutely an embarrassing and humiliating experience. Even though I don't think anyone realized what happened because I did a good job of keeping it a secret I felt like everyone knew what had happened. I can't believe I just told you that story.

7. Describe a romantic evening that you might plan for someone. I love to give surprises. So, when it comes to being romantic I love the element of surprise. I would purchase a trip to somewhere overseas, maybe Madrid and book a very expensive hotel, like The Sol, one of the leading Hotels of the World. One night order room service, have wine, fruit, cheese, etc. and hang out in the hotel all night and half of the morning making love and enjoying one another's company. I also like learning about other cultures so sight seeing, hitting the musuems, and the night life is a must. I love discovering a new place with someone I consider very special. Now, I know I gave more than just one night but I think creating memories that are long lasting is so important. Unfortunately, my idea may not be sordid but it's defintely romantic; it's also something I've done!!

The SHADOW: On Angry Gay Men

i'm mad as hell, and i'm not gonna take it anymore…

i've come across quite a few people recently who have expressed their opinion to me that being gay makes them angry. really angry… some even feel that being gay is a curse.

i have to admit that for a long time, i was also of this same opinion. i mean, i feel that there comes a time in all of our lives when we realize just how difficult being gay really is - especially when we live in a society that, for the most part, values masculinity, the "laws" of marriage, and other stereotypes of the typical straight man and his or her relationship.

growing up, i remember having a very difficult time coping with the fact that i was gay. i was one of those individuals who never quite fit in. i was always a little bit different than the other students in school. not necessarily "obviously gay" different, but different nonetheless. i never much cared for the various sports teams gallivanting around campus; never became versed in the jargon of others in my generation, so to speak; and never took the time to get to know any of the females in said generation either. i had my own events, spoke my own language, and my few friends were company enough. i was fine.

and then one day, not particularly different from any other, i received that familiar look of disdain from a group of students passing my way in the hall. on a quick impulse i asked my best friend to go and find out why i, in their eyes, was so unworthy of any sort of civil communication [read: i asked her to find out why they hated me so much and treated me like shit]; cuz i couldn't get it. she returned with 5 simple, yet powerful words… "because they think you're gay."

that moment became incredibly significant in how i was to live the next 3 years of my life. those 5 words, i'm sure, rolled quite easily off the tongue of whoever said them, but they landed pretty damn hard in my head. as far as i was concerned, i was going to be hated and ostracized for the rest of my life due to the simple assumption that i was gay. no evidence, no confession, just an assumption. i knew for myself that i liked other guys, and had a general idea of what that meant for the world around me, but right then – it hit home. i was gay, everyone knew it, and i was to spend the rest of my life alone. that made me angry!

when i first entered college, i almost couldn't stand to be around gay people. the way they were so open with their sexuality—just flaunting it around as if it were normal. as if it didn't matter. it took me forever and a day to realize that it is normal—it doesn't matter. and my life has consistently gotten easier ever since. i grew to know and to accept that there may be certain things that i'd have to attain through other means… but i can attain them nonetheless. i can have a family with 2.5 kids, a dog and a cat. i can live in a house in the most distinguished of areas. i can be just as happy as any straight couple there ever existed- maybe even happier.

as far as i 'm concerned, gay guys and gals get to live lives that are way more fabulous than those of our straight counterparts. think of it. gay men and women everywhere are becoming trendsetters in just about everything you can possibly think of. the gay dollar is now worth more than that of some rather large cultures that inhabit this country. we have proven to the country, and in some ways, the world, that we are just as good, if not better than those who prefer people of the opposite sex. and that's all i need to know as far as inspiration is concerned. i no longer feel angry about the idea that as a gay man, i can't live up to anything. as a matter of fact… anything you can do, i can do better.

now, i fully understand that what worked for me will not work for many others. what made me angry about being a gay man could very well be something completely different than what made or makes you angry. the important thing is that you realize that your life was not given to you so that you can spend it angry and upset about something you absolutely had and continue to have no control over. find that thing that gives you inspiration and triumph over your anger at being gay and run with it. run as fast as you can. only then, can you give up what doesn't matter, and focus on what really does… your life!

Do Gays Have an American Dream?

I was speaking with a good friend the other day about having children someday. He told me that he wanted to have kids but his lover of 5 years wasn't interested. I thought to myself, will he not be able to fulfill on his "Gay American Dream"?

Are gay men often times deprived of living the American Dream just because of our sexuality? One challenge that the black gay community has is the ability to start and maintain relationships. I've often questioned why is it that there are so few black couples. I'm speaking from my experience in New York City. I don't know what the general consensus is in other cities but in New York, long term relationships are hard to come by. One of the reasons I've discovered is a lack of communication. Black men don't know how to talk to one another. And it doesn't start with romantic relationships, it starts with basic friendships. In this community, I've found that we do not know how to talk to one another in a positive way. At any given moment, you can step into a situation where gay men congregate and find one reading or putting down another. And the question is why? Why is it that we feel the need to make ourselves look better while putting someone else down?

SHADE is such learned behavior in our community. We learn it when we first hit the pavement down the gay road. Depending on how and where you come out, often times we are introduced to SHADE very early in our gay lives. We are subjected to gay men who first of all don't love and respect themselves so, they pass on the hurts and heartaches they've lived through to the next generation of gay men. Have you ever stopped and thought about the real reason behind why we judge each other and put each other down? Do you ever question why the need to identify another man as SHE, GIRL or BITCH? Why is it that when we see another man sashay we are automatically disgusted saying things like: "oh child she's a lady", or "i thought she was trade, she's actually a twister." At what point did what's clearly A MAN, become a SHE? Saying that we are anything less than a man is such a put down, I don't care how you spin it. We are all MEN and should be treated as such. What happens is, the minute we identify each other as anything other than MEN we treat each other with disrespect. Think about the last time you saw someone you found attractive and discovered that he was effeminate. You instantly had no interest in getting to know another human being because you were no longer attracted to or interested in having sex with him. That is our problem. We write each other off way too soon!. We say that we are a part of a community, but we don't commune.

I've spoken to a few white couples. I've listened to the stories they tell of how they met. I've listened to them talk about their travels and the homes they've purchased together. I've listened to some talk about adopting a child. Now don't get me wrong, I am in no way saying that white gay men are any better than we are but their conversations are much different. When was the last time you dated someone long enough to the point where you opened a joint checking account? It's very likely that it won't happen, why? Because we don't trust each other that much. When was the last time you had a conversation with your boyfriend about investing in property? The conversation missing in our community is BUILDING. we live in a day and age where we should know how to combine our income and resources to create better lives for ourselves.

I was recently having a conversation with my mother and I told her something that really saddened her to hear. It's a conversation that many may have entertained but have not said it out loud. I told my mother that I'd much rather play hard and die young than to grow old. I mean think about it for a minute. Take my situation for example. I am an only child with a small family from which is somewhat estranged. By the time I'm 65 years old, there is a great chance that my mother will no longer be with me or in a nursing home somewhere. I have no children or grandchildren. If I am not with a significant other at that time then I will most likely be alone. It's likely I will end up in a gay nursing home around a bunch of queens that I don't much care for (see there, subconsciously I went there). Is that what I have to look forward to? Will I have to live in a community where some new virus is running rampant and everyone is popping viagra still trying to get a nut? I pray to God that isn't what my future looks like but the reality is, that's how it appears right now.

So the question I propose to you is... WHAT IS THE GAY AMERICAN DREAM? How do you see your future as a black gay man? Is it bright or is it bleak?

PARTY: MARTIAN Independence - JULY 3rd

THE HOTTEST BLACK CIRCUIT PARTY DECLARES IT'S INDEPENDENCE!!!

Spiritually Speaking ... Why Gay Men Lie

I don't know of any research that proves the notion that gay men lie any more than anyone else so let's consider briefly the reasons anyone might speak untruths. This requires some introspection.

1) People who lie to others tend to lie to themselves. If I am not honest with myself about one or more aspects of my life, you can rest assured that I'm not going to be honest with other people about that area or those areas.

2) Those who lie to others may lie about something in their lives about which they are embarrassed or uncomfortable. Someone who feels that he weighs either too little or too much will rarely tell another person his true weight. (Of course, the fact that online introductions and conversation has made dating more like picking out fresh produce than dealing with human beings has us marketing or promoting ourselves to potential "buyers" by revealing facts about ourselves that are really not the business of strangers.) An individual may have allowed himself to believe that he is not worth love because he was neglected or abused by one or both parents; he may attempt to compensate by telling others what wonderful parents he had/has knowing full well that this is false but being unable to revisit the pain of rejection by telling the truth.

3) There are those who lie because they find themselves in positions of sensing the need to share too much too soon. Intimacy (or pseudo-intimacy) can happen almost instantaneously in the modern world. As a prelude to a sexual encounter with a near-stranger, there can be the rapid-fire exchange of names, contact information, sexual preferences, and health reports. People who wouldn't, for a minute, lie in normal circumstances find themselves pressed to reveal personal information to someone they are not ever sure they will even see again so in a rush, in a pinch, they lie.

4) Some people lie because it's a game to them; it's fun for them to see how much nonsense another person will fall for before finally catching on to how high the piles of poop have actually gotten.

5) Some among us lie, sad to say, because they intend to hurt us. There is no other explanation for it. They speak a falsehood to us knowing that in believing them, we will be hurt in some way. Or, they withhold a vital piece of information that may even endanger someone's life; that, too, is lying.

LGBT persons have a hard enough go of it in most cultures that we want to think they could at least be there for each other, and yet we all know that is too often not the case in any case. Gay men can be much more destructive to each other than the worst of homophobes. That is truly tragic.

Jesus from Nazareth is said to have commented: "The truth will make you free." We would all do well to remember his wisdom in assessing the damage lies do to those who hear them and to those who tell them.
A professor and a pastor, Dr. Farmer has served three gay-affirming congregations over more than two decades. He may be contacted through his website: web.mac.com/dfarmer777.

The Miseducation of the Bitter Faggot

It was a chilly June night, the clock had just struck twelve and I was laying in an empty bed alone on a Saturday. I tossed and turned for forty-five minutes trying not to cry myself to sleep for the third night in a row. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get a decent night’s sleep? My mind was clouded with purple thoughts of retiring for good, something that I’m sure many have thought about and still do. I am no longer ashamed to admit that I sometimes just don’t want to be here anymore. Here in New York City. Here on this planet. I often times have morbid thoughts of the world blowing up just so that I don’t have to live in it anymore. To kill myself would be insane, this I am aware of so those thoughts I allow to seep from my selfish mind.

I have become a bitter faggot. But why has it come to this? I know why. I’ve lived and learned in a world where I have constantly had to prove myself. I have lived in a world where I seek validation around every corner. I’ve lived in a world where smiling friends are really blood sucking leeches. I have lived in a world where being who I am just isn’t enough. I have become a bitter faggot. I recently read a book called The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs. The book dissects the ins and outs of growing up gay in a straight world. Since starting the book, I couldn’t put it down. This page turner was filled with stories and glimpses into the lives of other gay men much like myself. I thought I was the only one who considered suicide while living under this unforgiving rainbow. All my life I’ve felt the need to prove something. I’ve tried to prove that I matter. I’ve tried to prove that I am just as worthy to be loved and adored as the next man.

I knew at an early age that I was different. When I discovered that I was different I did everything I could to outshine all of those around me. I became competitive. I became the star student. I became the class clown. I developed a wicked sense of humor. I became bitter and I didn’t even realize it. My hands began to tremble as I try to get the words from my brain to this page. Sweat drips from my underarms as I am even fearful of publishing it but I refuse to go unheard yet again.

As I look at my life, I realize that I am truly blessed. I have a wonderful and loving mother who has done nothing but embrace me. I remember coming out to my mother on a hot July day just before she dropped me off to work. I hinted around that someone we both knew very well was gay. She playfully asked, “who son, who?” Just before opening the car door I told her that it was me. That had to be one of the most difficult days of my life. I later learned that she sat in the parking lot for thirty minutes crying and praying to God that I was joking but alas, I wasn’t. It took years for me to establish the relationship that I now have with my mother. I now have a relationship that allows me to call on her and share with her the ups and downs of being a black gay man. Many gay men can’t say that they have this level of comfort with their moms. I’ve developed the type of relationship with my mother that allows me to share with her the relationships with the men that I date without fear of judgment. I know that my mother would have liked to have what the world would consider to be a “normal” child, but God obviously had other plans. Sure it would be nice to have a family that embraces me authentically and unconditionally. I would love to father a child with a woman so that at Christmas he or she could play with their loving cousins. That’s a life that I will most likely never see because, I’ve become a bitter faggot.

I’m tired of competing. I’m tired of so called friends taking credit for my ideas. I’m tired of people to telling lies around me and sit in wonderment as to if they’ve ever lied to me. Why do we steal from each other? Why do we so few and far between reach out and offer help? Why do we introduce each other to unsafe sex practices and recreational drugs? Why are we so unforgiving? These questions continue to race through my mind. I remember the day that I was introduced to “designer” drugs. I asked myself, was the person who popped that pill into my mouth really my friend? Was the person who introduced me to sex clubs really concerned about my well being? Sure the times had were fun but they led to destructive behavior and a lifestyle that I couldn’t keep up with. There was no way in the world that I would have guessed that I’d become addicted to a “feeling”, but I did. My life was spinning out of control. I would use drugs as an excuse to get away from all of the aforementioned things. I figured that the drugs would love me where nobody else did. It was a dirty little secret that haunted me for quite some time. The drugs helped me to become even more BITTER now that I recollect.

I don’t want to wear fake smiles anymore, it hurts. I don’t want to hug anymore, it hurts. I don’t want to clink glasses anymore, it hurts. I don’t want to bend over anymore, it hurts. I don’t even want to laugh anymore, because it too hurts.